Written by an incognito nun ?

L1nedD Thanks for the post. Keep writing.

6rR44X Im thankful for the article.Much thanks again.

Sorry I read this one. I apologize to the author, but maybe an outline for your story idea might help this disorganized narrative. I hate raining on your parade, try letting some one read it first before posting it.

After reading the first three parts, I was about to make a bunch of sarcastic comments, but in the spirit of our protagonist's newfound religion I'll turn the other cheek and at least keep this list of inadequacies on the up-and-up.

It's hard, though.  The story's ineptly written, bouncing between past and present tense; a whole section of the first part even changes into first person from third.

But beyond that, the whole premise makes no sense; there's no reason given for her keeping the diamonds for years, when they're obviously small enough to put into the mail, assuming she's reluctant to travel and return them in person.  (She could even throw them away or put them into a church charity box, since it would seem that she's not planning to profit from her ill-gotten, if accidental, gain.)

Further, there's no reason for the couple pursuing her to assume that she still has them, as opposed to having sold or pawned them, or for them to conclude that they're in her home somewhere and not in a safe deposit box (or a lawyer's office).  Surely the pursuers' logical move, once they found out where she lived, would have been to seek her out, threaten her if necessary and get the answers they needed to their questions.  (Inasmuch as there are two of them and only one of her, it seems very likely that unless John happened to be present, she'd need little persuasion to simply hand them over.)

Nor does John's reaction make sense.  Any reasonable person, escorting a date home and finding her place burglarized and in shambles, will either contact the police or demand an immediate explanation as to why he shouldn't.

And upon finding out that what the burglars were seeking was stolen merchandise, an upright, loving companion seems likely either (a) to do the moral thing and convince her to turn herself and/or the diamonds over to the authorities, or (b) do the chivalry thing and protect the diamonds for her by taking them himself.  Option (c), putting her in physical danger by hiding the diamonds on her person -- and especially putting them into shoes that are likely to be a major disadvantage in the event of a chase and to get separated from her during the course of an actual assault -- seems pretty far down the list, to say the least.

I can't help but suggest that showing this story to an editor or proofreader beforehand would have been in the author's best interests here.

(There's the separate issue that if all we're going to get out of this story is foot-fetish material, the author is going to end up with some disappointed readers after posting this on a TG story site.)

Eric

in the first 3 chapters so far not terrible, but not great either.

why is this posted here?  no TS or TG or even any dressing up as far as i can see.  

the Christianity is interesting, but it doesn't make sense that 3 YEARS after she became a Christian she still has not returned the diamonds or confessed.  

the writing seems a bit unemotional, dry, 3rd person history.