Dear Miss Kara Lynn,

First of all, I just, "love," your pen-name. I thoroughly enjoyed your story. There was nothing harsh or someone being, "forced," into girl-dressing. That in itself, made me keep on reading. I went to a Parochial Grammar School (1-8) but there were no uniforma used. Most of the Girls were very prettily dressed. Sometimes looking at their outfits and the shoes made my, "paying attention," chore a little for difficult. Even back in Grammar School, I wanted to be, "girl-dressed."

To me, you wrote your story very well. You introduced the other characters very well. It's always nicer, when the main character wants to, "gender-bend," and sees the plus sides to it. The background, scene-setting was done quite well.

I don't get to be at the computer all that much anymore, I work two part-time jobs and am responsible for all the chores at home for my Mistress/Wife.

This was a nice visit to Storysite. When there's time, I'm going to read your other stories.

"Missy," Susan

I realy think you can write stories without forced feminization.
I'm sure that you know how to write good stories.
Silvia.

It was an interesting story in many ways.

All in all it was probably too ambitious. You had enough material to fill a book. Had I written the same story it would have ran to 65,000 - 75,000 words.

Think of Kool-Aid. If properly mixed it is tasty. If the mixture isn't properly diluted it can be bitter.

You might consider four or five sentence limits to your paragraphs. Readers tend to lose interest when they see big blocks of text.

Pick a point of view and stick to it. Who is telling the story? It's very confusing to the reader when you change narrators. That isn't to say you can't. I've written two novels where I changed the POV every chapter, but the change is clearly signaled.

When your paragraphs get long and you find your dialogue running on in windy speeches, it might be a sign you're trying to pack too much into too short of space. It might also be a sign that you need to go back in your story and set the premise or scene more fully.

For example: you're reading a book about a murder mystery the main character almost bit by a snake that was in his microwave. Then the author tell you that the person who put the snake there knew the hero always made coffee in his microwave when he came home from work. It might work and it might not. The author could have created more tension by letting us know the snake is there and allowing the main character to go about preparing his coffee, going through life, thinking about the case, and then opening the door to the microwave to . . ..

Relax. Take your time. Tell us how the characters feel, how everyone around them reacts. Explain their motivation. Set scenes. Tell us about the weather. Appeal to our senses. Tell us how the clothes feel. What the character is smelling. The sounds of the dance studio.

Try to move your motivations toward the front of a scene. You explained why the boys were doing what they were doing, but long after I'd lost my willingness to suspend my disbelief.

Listen to people talk around you. That is an approximation of the dialogue you want to use. Lot's of contractions, a bit of confusion, some lying and exaggeration (everyone wants to be interesting). If the doctor is a behaviorist, she should use the language, positive reinforcement, conditioned response, stimuli, elicit, etc.

Your premise seemed to be going toward the doctor conditioning the boy to be more like his sister, which would have worked well to produce the cross-dressing. But you veered off from that logical path to a much less believable one. Look for the simplest route between two points and move your readers along that path.

Your strengths are in your desciptions of the clothing. This is vital to TG writing so you have a sound base. But even that can be overdone. We can only assimlate so much.

Make us care about the main character. He seems like a nice boy who wants to do well. Why is that? What is his primary motivation? Why will that be something that makes us like him?

I can only talk about how I like to see fiction written. That doesn't mean I'm right. Hemmingway and Twain write in two distinct styles. Had Twain wrote the Old Man and the Sea it would have been much longer with many more chracters. It probably would have been as good. Not better, but different.

Keep writing as you have good potential.

Jill

Good discription of the clothes and the course of the story flowed nicely.  You have a real talent in writing and look forward to more of your work.  Enjoyed the trip to the doctor to the secretary talk.

I liked the story as it was well written. The discriptions were great as you allowed me to see the outfits. I also liked the fact that you did not make the boys in the story want to be girls at the end of it. Sadly I have seen that far to often here. This was closer to home for me as it was just boys that like to dress up for a reason. I also liked the fact that none of the girls in the story were not mean about making the boys dress up. Thank you for a great story and keep up the good work.