Ole !      Sarah Lynn , allow me to genuflect before a nonpareil stoyteller.     Emily was the portent of growing skills .  with  " Hansel  and Gretel "  You have arrived.     A wonderful story.   Consider " better are the blows of a friend than the false kisses of an enemy ".   - Thomas  a'  Becket.

I sincerely hope you consider me a friend.   HUGS,

                               Earle

I read your other story 'Emma', and felt that it was well written, but lacked any direction and was rather a story about nice people who did very little of interest.  

So it was with some reservation I started this one.  That reservation was dismissed with the first paragraph, as it should be in any story.  There was no tedious ' My name is ... etc boring etc', but we're immediately learning something of Maggie's personality and her circumstances.  The story quickly develops and we learn more about
Maggie and John.  On the way I learnt something about Japanese 'Lolita Gothic' through 'Google', and incidentally about something I didn't want to learn about at all :O).  

Suddenly we're into the thick of the action when John and the kids waiting for the school bus get a front seat view of a motorised gun battle, he inadvertently picks up a very valuable bag in mistake for his own, and he has to go into hiding.  The adoption of a female disguise flows naturally from the context of the story as do the rest of the adventures.  On a first, gripping read through I found the plot convincing and nicely paced.  Very well done!

Now for pedants corner!  I made a few notes as I read and, as always there were a few bugs, that you should consider next time, or if you post this story elsewhere.  You confused 'capital' and 'capitol' (surely a capital crime in the US :o)), 'vanes' and 'veins', and (a common one in lots of TG fiction I read on-line) 'loose' and 'lose'.  I'm sure there are others.  You would benefit from an independent proof reader.

Two of the principal police characters had similar names and I found that confused me at first.  I had to check a couple of times which was 'Mason' and which was 'Marsh'.  Perhaps it's my old brain, but you might consider trying to keep names more distinctly different to help senile readers like me.

As an electrical engineer myself I appreciated your treatment of the electrical defence adopted by the young siblings.  Though I feel your effete US 115vac mains would be less effective than our manly European 250vac equivalent.  I was also amused by the convenient finds in the depths of the soft furniture.  It reminded me so much of computer adventure games.

Many thanks Sarah, I look forward to your next contribution.

Geoff

I almost didn't read this. I assumed, and like most times when I do that I was wrong. Neat story, well written, some grammar and minor spelling errors. A good read and I'll be looking to you for more good reads.

Wooo!

Another winner from Sarah Lynn! You certainly know how to tell a yarn young lady. I might just have to hang up my pen in shame.

Love from Sarah