Hi Andrea.
I think you wrote one of the loveliest stories that I ever read.
A beautiful, sweet, and lovely story between brothers who became sisters, who love one another.
Kisses.
Silvia.

Sheryl praises the imagery in this story, and I do believe that's what brought me back for a second look today. The walk out to the mysterious pond raises to mind any number of farm and woodland walks I've enjoyed. (Never with similar results, however.)

But at the same time, where is the enjoyment, where is the emotion in this piece? Jezzi grits her teeth about too many unanswered questions. If Andrea deals with answers, I think the emotion (and a real storyline) will accompany those answers.

This story combined interesting dialectical observations with an outstandingly visual tale-telling technique.  I could see everything happening as I was reading it.  The logical inconsistencies Jezzi mentioned notwithstanding -- and her points certainly are valid and worth considering for a potential re-write -- I enjoyed this a great deal.  

Certainly, Holly's actions in not providing a warning and seducing Jack to the spot could be explained by an additional magical effect of the watering hole -- but unless the mother had wanted this to happen for some reason that needs to be elucidated, why did the mother allow this to happen?  This is all food for thought if you elect to do a rewrite.  Given the richness of the characters and the seductive visual setting, I'd love to see this clarified in a sequel.

Take what you can use of the above and leave the rest alone.  In any event, congratulations on a terrific piece of writing.  I hope to see more of your stuff in the near future.

Love & Hugggs,
Sheryl S.

<< She looked at me with a concerned expression. 'Not really. Ma thought it might but she didn't know for certain. It happened to me when I was thirteen as well.'  >>

If it had happened to Randy, why didn't Holly warn her brother?  What motivation did she have for letting him swim unwarned?  Did he do something to Randy or her that made her extremely angry at him?  Was it a misery loves company thing?  Did his mom want him to be a girl?  Is the age 13 significant?  Why isn't (s)he angry as hell at Holly for not warning him?    Arrrrrgh!  Too many unanswered questions!!!