that was another great story. the way you write is so funny and also sad at time. but not this story. i wouldn't write more as some one might read this before reading the story.

Jill M I also writes:

>>There are a few problems.

I once read in "The Ticket Book," a guide to dealing with traffic and vehicle citations written by a retired traffic officer (I am, of course, paraphrasing from memory), "any cop worth his salt can take a brand new car right off the showroom floor and find at least three equipment violations." Your point is...?

>>Would a mild-mannered attorney really stuff his wallet full of cash to go to a place full of people that he did not trust?

He might, if his need were desperate enough, if the amount he "stuffed into his wallet" were sufficient to cover his anticipated expenses, if he possibly did not want to leave a (traceable) trail of credit card purchases, and if he trusted the people at his destination (a TG transformation service) enough to put himself and his current job into their hands. I also have suspension of disbelief problems with some of this author's stories (or parts thereof) but, taken in context, this action is entirely plausible.

>>I could believe he would take the bare minimum he perceived needed. But, your story would indicate he took several thousand dollars in cash.

I see no such indication; the phrase to which you refer is (perhaps deliberately) vague. In fact, the use of the vernacular in "made sure his wallet was _stuffed with cash_" is IMO a clever device that underscores the main character's haste and emotionally disturbed state. In a word, I liked it.

>>You are a natural,” she beamed.< (How can words be beamed? Scotty?)

Just before that phrase, the author wrote "Madam Fabulous, who watched the whole thing, had a look of approval on her face." An intensely happy facial expression with the wearer's eyes focused on the source of his or her delight can be (and occasionally is) described as "beaming." A bit awkward? Perhaps. Unintelligible? Scarcely.

>>You said, “You say that to all the girls,” Terry said with a rueful smile. What is a rueful smile? What does Terry have to be sorrowful at this point? Wouldn’t the smile be facetious?

To me, a "rueful smile" is one that indicates some measure of embarrassment, perhaps mixed with pleasure-- resulting from a "caught with a hand in the cookie jar" situation, or similar; it has nothing to do with sorrow. In the context of the story to this point, that response makes perfect sense to me: A corporate attorney who has no conscious TG leanings seeks out the services of a transformation house strictly as a legal ruse in an effort to preserve his job. Staring in a full-length mirror following his initial transformation, his discovery that he looks better than just good and, what's more, that he likes it, puts him in a state of shock. When the owner of the transformation service calls him a "natural" and beams at him (see above), a response of embarrassment (along with the throw-away remark) is more than plausible-- it is highly likely.

>>What makes your hero likeable is his sense of humor. There isn’t much in the first several hundred words that makes me warm to him.

That would be because the first several hundred words establish the context of the story, so that the main character's actions and responses make sense to the reader. Character development takes place as we get to see just *how* he responds to his circumstances.

>>I loved much more than it would appear by this rant.

It is apparent to me that your motivation for making it lies elsewhere. Constructive criticism is helpful, but nitpicking is for commensurately small minds; anyone who could write a work like "Peaches" (even if it was a collaborative effort) does not possess a small mind.

>>But then, I’m not a good enough author for publication.

How would you define "good enough AUTHOR for publication"? Would it be someone like Michael Chriton, who has a string of successes stretching back to "The Andromeda Strain"? Even Stephen King, another highly successful author, doesn't get *all* of his books produced as movies. Would it be like J.R.R. Tolkien and, to a somewhat lesser extent, J.K. Rowling, who each had one hit, but ones that were so successful that they each defined (or at least expanded) a genre? Would it be someone who honed his craft on amateur fiction sites like this one until he finally managed to get something in print?

Like I already wrote (and I know this may not help), there's often more to commercial success than excellence at your craft. Consider Thomas J. Watson, the chairman who built IBM into an international powerhouse around one product idea-- punched card tabulating machines (and later leveraged that to take over the new digital computer market). There was nothing particularly wonderful about this new application of an old idea (consider the "player" piano and the Jacquard automatic loom); his success was based entirely upon his sales force (the Wikipedia article on him includes "he was one of the richest men of his time and was called the world's greatest salesman when he died in 1956.") An avid student of his methods, someone you've probably never heard of by the name of Bill Gates, is generally acknowledged by computer literati to be the only person ever to out-FUD IBM when Microsoft Windows beat out IBM's OS/2. In neither case did their successes have anything to do with the quality of their products. (Even if you've never dealt with a deck of punched cards or an IBM mainframe, you've undoubtedly struggled with a Wintel PC...)

If you want to see just how wide the gulf between a talented inventor with a great idea and commercial success can be, consider the genesis and history of Xerox Corp. Here are some terms and phrases for your favorite search engine: Chester Carlton, electrophotography, the Battelle Memorial Institute, the Haloid Company (manufacturers of photographic papers), and the Xerox 914 (first commercially successful photocopier, made by Haloid-Xerox).

Sometimes, you just get lucky. If Carlton hadn't found Haloid just at the time when the company was struggling with their post-WWII loss of defense contracts for their photographic paper, we might still be struggling along with messy and unreliable wet reprographic and printing processes. And if J.K. Rowling hadn't found someone to see the potential in her first Harry Potter book, she might still be on the bus, jotting down her ideas. Somewhere on the 'net I read the story a venture capitalist told on himself about the opportunity he passed up to bankroll a couple of kids, both named Steve (Jobs and Woz), who were building experimental microcomputers in their garage. What if no one had seen their potential? I know, I know, comparing the computer industry to the publishing industry is like comparing Apples and...Peaches...

Don't give up, and you too just might get published.

Jill MI writes: "But then, I’m not a good enough author for publication."

Your "Peaches" is more than good enough for publication. If commercial success were based strictly upon excellence, neither IBM nor Microsoft would be in existence.

What a wonderful story, I absolutely loved it. It was truely fabulous. I laughed and cried along with Terry and Ginger. It brought back memories of my first makeover - Toni came out and has never gone away. This is what this Story Site is all about.

Hugs, Toni

(I posted this on Sapphire's but didn't get a response from you. I'm assuming you missed it and am posting it here as well.)

Wonderful premise. You're getting the idea about the importance of the transformation scenes.

There are a few problems.

Would a mild-mannered attorney really stuff his wallet full of cash to go to a place full of people that he did not trust? I could believe he would take the bare minimum he perceived needed. But, your story would indicate he took several thousand dollars in cash.

A trousseau is a set of items assembled by a bride to carry forward into her marriage. I believe the word you might be reaching for is wardrobe.

You use so many adverbs. Perhaps you should either delete them or find a more suitable verb or sentence structure.

For example; “At the thought of going outside, Terry suddenly experienced a panic attack.  Madam Fabulous had evidently seen this look in her clients’ faces before, and she tried to calm him down.” If you delete suddenly and evidently you will convey the same meeting. You might at this juncture show rather than tell. Try, “The very thought of going outside locked Terry’s knees. Madam Fabulous gently took his hand.”

You might want to refrain from repeating words. You said, “a word which describes the ability to go out in public and pass for a woman.  It’s called ‘passing.’” You might have had her say, “Within our community we call the effort to qualify as the sex we are portraying ‘passing’.”

Your attributions are strained at times. You can avoid this by using them only when necessary.  You said, >Madam Fabulous, who watched the whole thing, had a look of approval on her face.  “My Mistress of Style was right.  You are a natural,” she beamed.< (How can words be beamed? Scotty?) The entire “she beamed” is superfluous.

You said, “You say that to all the girls,” Terry said with a rueful smile. What is a rueful smile? What does Terry have to be sorrowful at this point? Wouldn’t the smile be facetious?

One of my pet peeves is the cologne behind the ears thing. Terry is a lady and would spritz the air and walk into the mist.

Instead of forcing crude physical descriptions of Terry’s masturbation, perhaps a glimpse of his innermost thoughts would have been more revealing. Terry was becoming a clothes fetisher; wouldn’t his thoughts be of his closet full of tempting outfits?

You said, “I just want to look, and live, like a woman.  Consider it a complement, Gail.  I’ve always thought girls got all the breaks.” I think you meant to say “compliment”, however, as the clothing was completing his wanting existence, perhaps “complement” was correct.

You could probably cut 10 – 15% of the words from this story without disturbing its content. Size matters -- only in reverse of what we normally think.

The dialogue seems like a scene from “Marty”. Every word should move the story.

What makes your hero likeable is his sense of humor. There isn’t much in the first several hundred words that makes me warm to him. You have such sweet wit; let it happen when it counts most, to bring us into the story.

Check your excess prepositions. “moved in” “drawn up” “booked up”. In dialogue this tends to make all your characters sound similar. When not in dialgoue it is jarring.

Avoid cliches like "face beet red". You're so imaginative, isn't there a better red vegetable, if you must use a vegetable.

I loved the realistic touch regarding his inability to remove all of his body hair. Have you ever tried to shave your back?

I loved much more than it would appear by this rant.

But then, I’m not a good enough author for publication.

Good luck on your sequel to The Jessica Project. Despite what I’ve said here, you are a better writer than Dan Brown, and I love his books.

Jill

Lovely, lovely story line! Please continue with Terry's new life adventures.  Love & Kisses  Carolyn Renee

I loved both parts. The writing was deliciously exquisite. The story line well thought out. Most importantly, and although you may not have intended it, I found the humour outstanding. For this story, you certainly get 2 thumbs up!!

Just Great.

Hi,

Just loved Part 2, even better than Part 1. Take care.

Love Karen.

That was a great story.  One technical item though.  A medical emergency at a hospital is "Code Blue",not red.

An awesome story!

Thank you

Hugs, Fran

This is one of the best if not the best story I have read. You are a
very good author
Keep up the good work.
Thank you
Ramona

Wow, what a page-turner!  I can't believe how quickly and smoothly the first installment reads.  The plot is hilarious, the characters believable and the dialogue excellent.  Thank you for a great read, and please hurry with the next chapter.  As I sit here, struggling to hack out my own very first try at a story, reading yours almost makes we want to give up, as I know it will never be this good...

Dear Plume!

You left so many interesting strings hanging fire, your readers would have heaped on you vigorously had we not noticed that this is merely "Part 01."

My, is it possible for Terry in a humorous tale of the "tg" ilk to help stave off a hostile takeover? Well, I suppose that's what the world's young lovelies (no matter the plumbing!) deal with on a regular basis, so why not? --- Take your time to do "Part 02" as well as this one; your readership will have it's eyes peeled for it's appearance.

what a great story, i enjoyed it, thank you

You made this story seem so plausible. I loved it.

beautiful!! or should I say fabulous? :)