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On The Run
by Stacy Bolan

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Comment by Noel Lexicon on 09/12/04
Stacy,

Nice log line. Quite enjoyable. Below are some tips that would make the story more readable (for me and hopefully others).

One thing that really helps readability when reading stories from an electronc screen is using line breaks to help denote speaking breaks. Example: Instead of "A speaks." "B speaks." in the same line show it as:

"A speaks."

"B speaks."

This way you are visually reinforcing what is occurring in your story. The other thing that really helps fluff out stories, make them come alive is the old axiom "show don't tell. I apologize for the inadequacy of the example below, but hopefully it will help enunciate the point.

Paragraph from chapter 2:(no show - all telling)
When I asked why I was locked in, I was told it was for my own good. I needed to get over one of the side effects of the change, nymphomania. It usually lasted about two days I was told. I asked about some more sex partners and was told to wait. I waited and waited but nobody came in. I finally fell asleep after masturbating at least 6 times and eating my own cum.

(One possible rewrite in show mode)
I heard a key in the lock then the door opened and Aunt Stephanie walked in with lunch.

“Why am I locked in,” I asked angrily.

“For your own good,” she said. She smiled kindly at me. “One of the side effects of the change is nymphomania. It usually lasts about two days.”

Nymphomania? God no wonder! I groaned. Regardless of the knowledge I still burned with need. “Could I have some more sex partners?”

“Eat, shower and be patient,” she said smiling. With that she sat the food on the end table near me and left the room.

I ate and then showered. When I got back to the bedroom the plates were gone and the door was once again locked. I waited and waited – no body came. I finally fell asleep after masturbating six times and eating my own cum.

Mechanics are learnable, being able to craft a good plot I think is a inherited talent. You have a good plot here, one that could be a really strong story.

Thanks for your time and please keep writing.

Noel      
 












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