1. It was a dress of my mother's when I was 15 or 16. I never saw her wearing it before or after that time, but it was there, in my wardrobe which served as her extra-space because all her clothes wouldn't fit in hers. She also had some off season stuff and her wedding dress there, and coats.

I never dared wear her wedding dress for fear of it being known. I kept it all secret and I'm positive no one saw me or noticed it afterwards either.

The dress was calf-lenght in blue satiny fabric, it seemed to have multiple layers and was a bit big for me. My mom's size is still a bit higher than mine even now, and she's thin. I felt good and bad at the same time, it felt good to have the dress on, as if it was mine, it felt bad because I had to keep it hidden and a secret from everyone. I never dared tell anyone or show in any way possible, that I had enclinations to prefer being a girl over being a boy.

That dressing incident, and the few subsequent times that happened were nothing of sexual nature. I have never masturbated while dressed or not dressed. This stuns people. I have masturbated a few times, before finding it entirely disgusting. I wanted to know what the big fuss about it was, so I experimented, but I was very disappointed, I never did it after.

2. I felt depressed a bit in that incident in question 1, it had to be kept secret, I felt no one would understand me, and I didn't look that good without breasts, I also felt the dress wasn't all me (not really what I would wear, though I like dresses). Since going full-time as a girl 4 months ago, there has been no such depression about it. Previous to being full-time, I was depressed about NOT dressing as a girl, not having the guts, and being jealous of other girls.

3. I was never forced to dress.

4. My demeanor may be a bit more feminine, or so my mother thinks, since starting transition. The dressing has nothing to do with it though, it's completely identifying as a girl that did get out the full of my personality in the open, that which was previously hidden being a false androgynous-male mask.

5. I don't feel like a sissy at all.

6. My music taste has not changed, it might have developed some since then, but my old tastes are still there as well.

7. I don't have a significant other, I'm probably bisexual, I'm also virgin.

8. I dress 24/7 (full-time), so this question is somewhat irrelevant. I do everything as a girl, and dressed as one.

9. I'm a MtF transsexual, possibly chromosomally or genetically intersex (not sure at present time), genitally I am male, I don't attribute this last fact any credit or virtue.

10. How I am dressed doesn't matter. However hormones will affect my emotional response to things, I will more readily cry or be happy than before transition.

11. I don't currently work. I previously worked in what would normally be considered manual labor, lifting mediumly heavy things (boxes in warehouses mainly) and such. It's mostly considered masculine, and girls are practically non-existent in the field.

I would never do a job if it required me to be dressed as male now. I sort of had to before, but since transitioning I will not compromise myself. Wherever I work, it will be as a girl, take it or leave it. I rather not work at all otherwisely (and this is why I'm currently unemployed).

12. I consider them as friends and equals, girls think a lot like me, and I think a lot like them. I don't view them as superior, but I may be jealous of some things they had that I didn't. They sometimes are jealous of some of mine (nails, hair, figure), so it balances out.

13. I fit in size 1 or 3 clothes (US standards). I don't know by which standard this size 16 is, but I'm 32/25/32. I've been 3 months and a half on hormones currently. It would be truely dangerous if I lost more weight. I'm just about on the anorexic borderline. I'm somewhat underweight, but otherwise perfectly healthy (it doesn't affect my health).

For the record transition didn't make me lose weight (or gain any for that matter), I was always that thin, but I wore baggy clothing that effectively concealed my figure. I was mostly unaware of my figure in itself, though I knew I was small and thin, I didn't know to what extent.

14. I already had a date with a good-looking guy, I say it would be possible. It doesn't go by looks. It was an heterosexual relationship as far as both of us are concerned (he's straight). He knows of me being transsexual and pre-op. This draws concerns to me as well as him. The concern draws mostly towards sexuality coming into play, I'm adamant about not having sex with the wrong equipment, and oral and anal sex sort of disgust me (not that I mind others doing it, I just can't see myself doing it). Given my libido has always been nearly nothing, I could wait until surgery, I'm not sure he could.

15. 9 female and 1 male definitely.

16. I cannot be macho even if a situation would require it. I was just  on the verge of suicide previous to starting hormones, at the prospect of being without hormones.

Dear Ann O'Nonymous
I love that name! Very clever!
I've often wondered why there are not very many studies (that I can find)of this activity! Congratulations for bringing it up and I hope you get some meaningful responses. Here are mine:
1. I became attracted to panties and stockings as a boy of about 16 or so and I used to sneak down to my mother's dresser when everyone was out of the house and try on her panties and girdles and masturbate. From there I graduated to prowling around at night and stealing panties from neighbouring clothes lines and hiding my trophies under a loose floor board in my bedroom.
2. During this time I was often confused and depressed about my clandestine behaviour and struggled to repress it. As you say, I felt like a pervert or a weirdo and I knew instinctively that it was very unacceptable behaviour to discuss it with friends or family. If I'd had a girl friend I could have talked to it would have been a great relief but it is a little too much to expect young teenage girls to discuss this kind of behaviour. Older women would have been much better but I was too ashamed and innocent to bring that up for discussion with any older woman although I would have loved to.
3. I was never forced by anyone else to 'dress up'.
4. I have found that my demeanor is different when 'en femme'. I feel free, pretty, sexy and excited. I definitely am more aware of my appearance and habits. I should add at this point that I have so far not 'come out' as they say although I can see that this is a progressive thing and someday, if I found a woman who was sympathetic, I would love to. There is a profound change in my outlook on life and I'm much happier and content. I've read some things about my obsession and I've gone through the 'binge and purge' process many times, throwing out lots of lovely things in the 'purge' state. For a while I'm content that I've done with this disgusting behaviour but my feminine side always returns and is most insistent about expressing herself. The more I deny it the stonger "Michelle" becomes until I give in and the 'binge' activity begins. Then I re-acquire all the pretty things I threw out including expensive silicon breast forms. At this point let me say that although I have been struggling for many years (mostly because I've no one to talk to and trust)I have come to accept this side of my personality and I'm comfortable with it. In fact I love to wear women's clothes and pretend I'm a woman! I feel I'm much more understanding of other people's problems (especially homosexuality) as I come to accept my own peculiarities.
5. I don't feel I'm a sissy but from what I read in stories, there's this aspect to it for some people. On the contrary, I feel strong and feminine and happy. I don't feel inferior to females. In fact I love to admire them and wonder what's going on in their heads. I'd love to be able to talk to one of them if she was not critical. I love the way they dress, how they do their make-up and what jewelry they wear.
6. I don't listen to music that much but I don't detect a change in my preferences.
7. I've been married to the same women for a long time. She's a quiet gentle person but we're incompatible in almost everything. I love the outdoors and a busy life. She likes to sit at home and read. Her attitude toward my crossdressing is one of disgust and denial. She is not supportive and will not discuss it or co-operate in any way. Too bad. I'm not complaining, it's just the way things are. I guess you could say I'm an unwelcome guest who's 'just visiting' and can keep out of sight.
8. Since I'm still 'in the closet' so to speak, I don't get out and I don't have any special 'en femme' hobbies. My male hobbies are mostly outdoor activities although I use my computer a lot.
9. I suppose I feel like two people; at times happy to be male and at others, happy to be female. I realize now that my personality is complex and there is a significant female aspect to it.
10. I don't think there is any obvious effect on my personality based on how I'm dressed.
11. I had a rather neutral job in an office in an administrative capacity. Now that you mention it, I can see that my feminine character may have had some influence on my choice of careers. While I think of it, and this has nothing to do with my work, I've always disliked the macho sports such as hockey, and football, preferring instead such things as tennis and golf.
12. I've covered my feelings towards other women in article 5 above but I'll say again; I love pretty woman (particularly in the 45-55 age category) and would love to have one as a friend. I think they are mysterious, sexy, and very talented. They know how to dress so much better than men. I guess my overall attitude in general (there are many female types of course)is one of an intimate friend.
13. I'm very conscious of my weight and grooming. I'm a size 16 and want to stay that way. I don't use a girdle or a corset. If as you say I had an S/O or a mistress I would certainly do everything I could to fit into her clothes. It's a sexy idea!
14. The idea of a romantic date with a good-looking guy is repugnant to me. I would be much more interested in dressing up with the help of a good woman and going out to dinner or a show with her as 'one of the girls'.
15. This seems like a silly question. I guess if I had to choose I would say I feel it's a 50/50 split. Who knows?
16. I prefer black and red underwear as a female. As a male, I usually wear white.
17. This is a profound question. I have become comfortable with who I am and accept my feminine side. I know that I cannot deny it as it is a very strong compulsion and must be expressed. It may be a bit strong to say that it is necessary to maintain my sanity but I know it's essential to a healthy happy balanced outlook on life.

I'm attaching my e-mail address in case you or anyone else has some helpful or encouraging comments. You may post my response to your questionaire but please; not my e-mail address as I don't want a lot of spam.

Michelle.

That's a lot of questions and very deep to be answered here but I'll try. First thing, you must understand that everyone's answers would be different and so won't tell you why you feel as you do.

Question 1 - To keep it short, I was an only child born out of wedlock. I was put in foster care to keep from being put up for adoption. At the foster house, I was subjected to child abuse by the woman care taker for anything I did that she felt was bad. It started when I was six and had wet behind a tree while playing. I was caught and completely stripped in front of the other boarders and then diapered. I was told that since I didn't want to use the bathroom like a big boy, I could now use my diapers of which she made me stay in them until I did. I remained in the wet diapers all day and had to sleep in them that night. I tell you all this because it was what caused the later feelings you seemed interested in. After that humiliation I became very withdrawn and a loner. I was degraded so badly that I lost all self esteem and withdrew into myself. I hated being who I was and felt ashamed and lowly around others. These feelings were kept alive by yet anoter diapering a year later for having an accident coming home from school. That punishment wound me not only back in diapers but I had to sleep in the baby's crib that night and ate breakfast in the highchair next morning while my peers tormented me with baby names. I stayed by myself as much as possible after that and slowly started to wonder what it would be like if I had been a girl, like my mother often said she had wanted, during my weekend visits at home. My interest grew over the next couple years along with intense studying of how different little girls acted and dressed. I became obsessed with what it would feel like. One night when I was nine, I waited until everyone was asleep and slipped down stairs to try on one of the family's daughter's dresses just to see how it felt. I was caught by the mother and put in a night gown and panties. I was then stood before my peers and called the new sissy boarder. The next morning, I was dressed from the skin out in the frilliest clothes she could find and made to play outside with the other children. Words can't discribe my feelings of shame as the boys kept lifting my skirts and laughing at my wearing panties. After awhile, they subsided and I was got off by myself, I started fantasizing I had actually been transformed into the girl. As I looked down at the skirt radiating from my waist, I actually felt pretty and liked it though I dared not admit it ever.
Question 2 - Yes of course I felt depressed as I knew what I felt was taught to be a sick feeling for a boy. Still I loved it at the same time.

Question 3 - Answered in answer 1.

Question 4 - Yes. I feel more free to feel as I do down deep.

Question 5 - No! I don't feel a sissy. I feel free to feel sensitive and more natural as though I feel nature intended for all of us.

Question 6 - No! I'm still who I am inside, just feel freer as girl.

Question 7 - I am married for 39 year and no, I am still the man of the house and to my wife and children. They have learned to understand I can't shake this need and that it is just a part of who I am, not all of who I am. I'm still husband and father.

Question 8 - I do the same things I usually do as my male self except I am more gental as the clothes limit my going out to mow the yard, etc. I still play with my computer and watch TV though I do sometimes like to play at being a little girl and hold a stuffed animal ot doll at times. It is only to stir my feelings of being the little girl I always wanted to be but only in fantasy play. I never loose reality.

Question 9 - I never feel like a woman though I struggle to feel like a real little girl while dressed. Deep down I know I'm really a mman but I feel more like the little boy I was when forced to dress when a child. So the answer is I feel like a little boy being forced to dress as a little girl but love it just the same.

Question 10 - My mind gets lost in most stries except when there is a little girl in the story. At that point, I wish I was a real little girl and could look just like her and be her girl friend to play dolls with.

Question 11 - I am in a technical field and live my live totally as a man except when I can play in the privacy of my home. I do keep my play times limited as I am a man and my position in marriage must take first priority.

Question 12 - I love most women though I slowly discovered there are good and bad woman just like men. I use to think all women were perfect in every way but life teached us all reality.

Question 13 - No! Little girls don't have to deal with thoughs issues or caring about girdles, bras, etc. They don't care about boys either.

Question 14 - No! I am heterosexual and love and am attracted only to women. Since my fantasy desires are towards the little girl image, in a NON SEXUAL WAY, I do often stare at them with yerning desires to wear what they wear but that is all. I adore the innocents of little girls and that in turn makes me wish I could be looked upon in the same way.

Question 15 - That's a tough question. I am a 10 when a male and a 8 when a little girl. Wish I could be a 10 as a girl but I can't shake the reality behind my only play acting.

Question 16 - I love all colors in female underwear. Color is not really a factor as much as the fabric and symbolism of wearing what is ment for the opposite sex. That said, and pink being representative of female, I'd have to say pink because of symbolism.

Question 17 - It is not to maintain my sanity but to deny something I'm so compelled to do would make me become depressed. Cross dressing is a strong obsession that is also an addiction. To deny it would bring a deep feeling of loss that stays until I can again express my other self. As for it effecting my male self, yes it does. It keeps me more in touch with my sensitive, softer side. To do without it would not only bring deep sadness but would probably make me become angry that I am being denied who I am and that would effect my persona.

Long reply for a lot of questions but told from the heart. Hope you find a little more understanding in yourself from this though your life reasons for feeling as you do are probably very different. I can only say how I feel and to suggest you learn to accept yourself for how you feel as you MUST be who you are if you expect to be happy.