This story screams for retribution. It definately needs a sequel.

Well you have had some critical and supportive comments. This is only a story and we should be supportive of one of the most prolific writers on Storysite. If I was Rich I would have punched Georges lights out but as it happens Rich was very content in becoming Marilyn.

lucky rich~what a way to find oneself

That's not a good story! You can do much better than this.
Silvia.

Did you ever have the greatest TG dream possible, wake up, grab a notepad from your nightstand, and try to write it down?

This story reminds me of that. It seems like a good story, but it lacks almost all the necessary ingredients.

First of all, how does the hero make a living that he could undergo such a complete make over and not attract attention at his day job? Didn't he have any family? He doesn't seem at all concerned about what's happening to him.

The dialogue at the beginning suggests that the girls didn't know Suzie was out for the year, but a few paragraphs later it is obvious they do.

There are so many plot lines not followed. What were the vitamins the girls gave him? Did he have sexual attraction to Wendy or not? This is quite grey.

Why did they pick him? All you say is that it was Suzie's suggestion after Geortge enlisted her as the antagonist helper. Was he small? effeminate?

Why did you have such a tight timeline? Had you stretched this over four or five seasons you might have come up with a plausible amount of time for estrogen to work on him.

Group dialogue is hard to write. Evben the best authors will stay away from having five people in a conversation whenever they can. During the initial transformation scene it would have worked better if one girl at a time worked on him, while the other girls stayed in the living room creating plans for his feminization.

You need to show us his life before the transformation. A classic story starts in the real world. The hero is pushed into a strange and different world and learns to cope. Through that experience the hero is tested and become a better person. This is waht the reader expects. It is part of the implied contract between an author and her audience.

Another implied contract is that good will triumph over evil. The hero must win out over the villain. It would have been so easy for this to happen. As suggested here, Marilyn could have played first. They could have won the championship with George on the bench. George could have been so enraged at not playing that he broke his hand punching the wall. It could have been a career ending injury. Suzie, in her anguish could have spilled the beans and the team would immediately vote to throw both of them off.

The league could have contacted the team and in a meeting, Marilyn would convince then that as a transgtendered person she fits the legal definition of a woman.

You gave absolutely no foreshadowing for what happened. We need to be prepared for Marilyn's decision.

Watch repetition of words. At one point you use clearly three times within two paragraphs. This is clearly jarring to the reader and clearly not good writing.

Once again I love the premise.

This story should have run four to five times this length. You need to get a better understanding of which scenes to summarize and which scenes to show us in depth.

Jill

Ahhh! Back to classic style.  This is more in keeping with your regular tale telling.perhaps this was thrown together a little quickly. I know nothing about baseball, but I am confused as to why "Marilyn" didn't talk to Wendy whom I thought was his friend.
George was typical of the low lifes who care naught for others in their egocentric self gratification.  Thanks for the story. It was a good read.

Too many holes.  Since it's clear that Wendy isn't in on the plot, and because Rich was the better first baseman, why didn't she just move Marilyn to first replacing George.  That would have been better for the team, and she was solid on doing what was best for the team.   There was only a limit on the number of guy players, so there was no rulebook reason not to do that.  George should have sat on the bench.  If he had tried to blackmail Wendy by threating to reveal Rich, he and suzy would both have been implicated in the coverup, too, and would have lost their championship trophies too.  Plus, they would piss off 9 other players who would want to get even.

So George and Suzie just get off scott free ??? I hate it when the bad guys win.  Estrogyn in Rich's Gatoraid would not have made him so completely passive, particularly in such a short time, and there were so many options for him to deal with those two that they shouldn't have won..

I'm with Tara on this one -- not so much from an "it's not realistic" standpoint; an awful lot of TG fiction requires more suspension of disbelief than a mainstream story does.

But while Marilyn knows that George and Suzie have conspired against him, it seems to me that correctly or not, she won't connect anyone else with the plot and would look for help among the other girls or even the other guys, no matter how passive she's become.  She could hit the jackpot in the latter case; some hero type comes to her rescue by punching George's lights out, which gets Marilyn into the game at first base.  And if she _is_ perceived as a better player than George, nobody except Suzie is going to get very upset about it.  But I guess that's a different storyline.

I don't quite understand why "Marylin" was not moved to 1st base when the other girl came back.  You can start at one position and move to another if a player gets hurt.

Besides, a good defensive player with a weak throwing arm belongs at second base, not first.  They usually only need to flip the ball about 15 feet to throw out a hitter at first.  

(And in co-ed slow-pitch softball, the place to hide your weakest defender is catcher, not right field.  There's no base-stealing allowed in slow-pitch, the way there is in fastpitch or baseball, so the catcher doesn't really need much skill at all.)

I sort of liked the story, but I could not imagine why somebody would go to such lengths to get somebody out of their team's line-up.  Wouldn't it be far simpler to have somebody knee-cap him, Nancy Kerragan style?

Another nit-pick:  Estrogen in your Gatorade for a summer would not make you particularilly girly (apart from maybe some breast development and mood swings), and certainly would not make a typical non-TG male suddenly desire to be a woman.  The usual disclaimer about the dangers of taking hormones without medical supervision applies, too.

Finally, I would like to add my voice to the choir of those who thinks the bad guys should not have gotten off so lightly, especially George.  They messed up somebody's life for a roster spot in a co-rec league.  If I were a judge, I would sentence George to forced gender-reassignment surgery, followed by a long stay in a women's correctional facility.

I if I was her I would of offered a blow job to George and being full of himself  he would answer ,yes plaese and bite it clean through then said both girls now as he layed there screaming like the guy in Plup Fiction!!

No revenge? If george had exposed him, he would have lost his trophy too. As well as expose himself to massive lawsuits. At the very least he should have given suzie the broken knee she claimed to have.