my name was john at one time, but after my wife caught me reading your stories she asked me if their was someting she should know. i was caught and had to come clean, her mom and sister in law own a salon. she began my transformation from their. as one other reade suggested. there was a consequence. my manhood vanished. i now am dressed full time and in the later stage of hormone therapy. i have breasts and my manhood is useless. thank you for setting me free. i had to endure eyelash perms as well as enhancements, lip tattoo, eyebrows, nanal piecings and my breasts are now a c cup  

I looked for a long time to find someone who would do perm makeup,I love it so much,I lookforward to each treatment I have done.Working from home no one sees me so I can go as far as I want,with the red and a knock out blue liner,I love and want more and more.Like eating candy you cant stop,as for brests doly look out a 46dd might be to small.

Good to see you're back writing - your new story is nicely put together..... On this one,  I really agree with Bobbie - pleeeeeease write a sequel and include some really extreme hair design!   it's all part of the impact you're creating!  LOL WbG.  xx

Every action has a consequence.

Dave, I loved your story. I especially like that his wife shaved off his eyebrows completely to tattoo sexy ones back on. How cool. You now need to do something extreme with his hair. Please write part 2. Thank you, Bobbie

Dave,

The following is meant as constructive criticism - which is as hard to do well as writing well, so if this only irritates you then I did it poorly and I apologize.

1st: your logline (spine of the story) is potentially excellent. Gives you lots to play with and is open ended enough to not broadcast the ending.

2nd: you opened with conflict - again excellent. Sets the stage and grabs the readers attention.

3rd: Your writing voice is very weak because you are violating some general writing rules for fiction. As a result, your story was unable to follow up on the advantages you created in 1 & 2 (admittedly this is only my opinion).


General rule 1: Show don't tell.
This is so easy to say and so hard to do until you become sensitive to it. Most stories on the net are in ‘tell’ format and are therefore substantially weaker than their potential. Published hard copy fiction is almost always in the ‘show’ format.

General rule 2: Story construction is generally done in terms of scenes. It's okay to change POV's when a new scene starts, done professionally and in the movies all the time. Scenes can be short or long, but scenes should obey the following: A scene must advance the story line or add to the development of a character (or both).

General rule 3: Within a scene, use only one POV (point of view). That means for the whole scene you are seeing things (describing things to the reader) through the eyes of just one of your characters. About the only professional writer who violates this rule and gets away with it is Larry McMurtree.

General rule 4:  In each scene be the eyes for the reader and try to give some physical sense input - cold, beautiful, wet, heat, garish colors, smell of exhaust, i.e., set the physical scene for the reader and make it come alive. Really helps.

With these rules stated I'd like to critique your opening scene and offer some suggestions.

First question you need to answer: who's POV are you going to use in your first scene to tell the story from, Husband or wife? Which also brings another point - the main character is called the protagonist. You always need to have clearly identified (to your self) who your protagonist is going to be before you start.

Second question: What is the objective of your first scene? Since it is the first scene it is rife with almost everything, plot advancement and character development. But what you are trying to accomplish must be firmly in your mind as you write and rewrite.

In my evaluation your hurry to get to later issues caused you to deemphasize a very key plot element - one that will explain much of what follows in your story: In the interpersonal relationship between Dave and his wife a power shift occurs – dominance within the relationship leaves him and shifts to her. You did sort of say this, but you didn't show it and so it gets lost. If you create well here readers will love your story.

So lets look at your story:

"Dave is a 32 year old with a secret makeup fetish.
He is long term unemployed, through disability (back trouble).
Jan is his wife, she is 44 years old and the owner / manager of a local beauty salon. She loves Dave but is very worried about Dave's wondering eyes."

You probably didn’t think about this being the opening scene, you were intent on setting the table, but it is part of the opening scene. If it were a movie it would be the pan down main street. Always go to your opening scene and set the table as you go. Makes it more interesting to the reader – which is the whole point of the exercise.  
Also, really get in habit of proof reading. You have word choice error (because of typo) that is humorous and therefore distracting from mood you are attempting to set.  ‘Dave’s wondering eyes’. I’m sure you meant “wandering” but the error had my mind going in directions you as the writer didn’t want it. Example:
 “Dave has wondering eyes,” she said sadly/angrily/morosely/resignedly.
 “Don’t you mean wandering eyes?”
 “Not Dave. When he sees a woman with big breasts he immediately wonders . . .”
(you fill in the blank).

“As usual Dave was at home resting his bad back and Jan was at work, earning the money that kept the bills paid. He was bored, he couldn't work and found his only interest "the internet" was getting a little stale, until one day he was searching for his usual makeup sites when he came across a site that offered Micropigmentation, semi-permanent cosmetics. Dave was immediately drawn in and started to search for other sites that advertised the service. He couldn't believe that he had never heard of it because there were thousands of sites coming up from every continent in the world. He was hooked and was soon pulling his prick like nobody's business. The days went by and Dave wanked more and more, soon he was spending all day on the computer and virtually no time with Jan.

Jan had noticed a change in him and was worried that he was seeing someone else. She was older than him and lacked the self confidence that she once had. She would always back down if they ever argued, but today was different, she had taken enough, she confronted Dave and demanded to know what was going on or she would leave him. The most almighty row followed and Dave just denied everything, he wasn't seeing anyone, he loved her, he knew the sex life had taken a fall recently, but how could he tell his beautiful wife that he spent most of the day wanking so pictures of makeup. It was a terrible time, Jan wouldn't be fobbed off with just a denial so she started to pack, she had no where to go but she didn't care. She loved Dave but without the trust she couldn't stay.
She got as far as the door before Dave broke down and started to cry.

Dave looked at Jan and cried that if he told her then she would surely leave him. Jan stood firm and eventually Dave took her upstairs to the computer and opened up some of his favourite web sites, he had saved the web address's to sites that offered fiction fem-dom, permanent makeup, and galleries of before and after photos of clients that had eyeliner and lips tattooed.Jan was distraught, disgusted, she felt humiliated and let down but she also felt relief that Dave had been faithful.”

Your scenes are not well defined – they run on into each other. Get used to separating your scenes with

* * *

for yourself more than the reader but it will also help the reader. This will help you decide whose POV you are using in each scene and what the point of the scene is.

Notice that everything above in your story is in the tell format. Nothing was shown. Really hard to sharpen conflict by telling about it - show it! Also notice that your POV (who you used to described things) was all over the place. To most readers that is disconcerting. Pick one and stay with it for the entire scene.

I’d like to give ‘one’ suggested alternative for re-crafting your story above:

I would consider everything above as the “1st chapter” of your story and I would break it down into three distinct scenes.

Scene 1: Wife with trusted girlfriend at nice lunch bistro. POV – Wife: Wife is crying on girlfriends shoulder. She is afraid her husband Dave is having an affair. Scene would be lots of dialogue between two. Scene develops wife’s character and advances the plot – Dave is not working, has become distant and she is certain he is having an affair. Maybe the scene would be better set in the office of the wife’s business. Describe building and business. This really lets the readers get to know the wife and the plot from her side.

Scene 2: Wife and husbands confrontation. POV – Wife. Scene – their house (be sure to describe it physically). You can when she pulls up in her car or describe where they have their argument inside the house. Do they rent, own, live in nice neighbor hood? All those things are interesting to the reader and helps character development. This is a very key scene, one that is story critical – Dave’s surrender of marital dominance to his wife. This needs to be crafted well. Again, lots of dialogue and use physical traits to show what is happening. Did Dave’s shoulders slump when he realized he had to disclose or lose and he had to choose right then, etc? Show impact   Lots of ways of showing what the characters are feeling instead of saying ‘he felt dejected’.

Scene 3: Dave’s surrender. Scene in their house, mostly in computer room and on internet. POV – Dave’s. Here you develop Dave’s character. His humiliation about showing his wife what he has been wanking off to (and his having to explain his fetish). You are also advancing the story line because by letting his fetish come out as part of the conflict between he and his wife you are getting where you want to go and you are doing it amidst conflict. Plus think of all the wonderful dialogue you can craft!

A possible short scene 4 might be her forcing him to sign a confession and handing the reigns of the family to her. – or this might be the opening scene of the next chapter, where the reigns end up firmly in her hands. Does it happen right then or does she sleep on it, making him sleep on couch for first time and then it happens in the morning. What choices does he have? He can’t work and her threat to throw him out is very real. A night of the couch worrying about it could complete his surrender.

There are a million ways to craft your story with a stronger writing voice. I only hope some of this is helpful. Please keep writing – your loglines show a natural gift for story telling. If you strengthen your writing voice – you my friend will gain even a larger fan base.

People have helped me strengthen my writing voice, such as it is, I am just trying to pass that help on.

Sincerely,

Noel Lexicon      

excellent story, very erotic and stimulating.  Wouldn't mind a sequel showing further enhancements to our hero.