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Chasing Butterflies In Costa Rica
by: Janice Josephine Carney
From: "I WAS ALWAYS ME "
When I was a young girl; I spent a summer with my father in Costa Rica. He was a Botanist studying in the rain forest. I got to spend the summer chasing and playing among the most beautiful butterflies in the world
I love butterflies, their metamorphoses from caterpillar to butterfly is one of Mother Earths great wonders! The unattractive caterpillar weaves itself into a cocoon, takes a long nap, and then breaks out as a thing of beauty a multi colored butterfly.
In the rain forest of Costa Rica the biggest and most colorful butterflies are a sight to behold! You can close your eyes and hear the sounds of fluttering wings. The sounds of birds singing, and the sight of colorful butterflies make for an paradise here on Earth.
Reality does suck!!! I love dreaming. In reality I never was a little girl. In reality I was a little boy. I never spent a summer in the rain forest. Or was ever close to my father. Thanks to my father, though I did get to spend a year in the rain forest of Vietnam. I cannot recall seeing any butterflies that year. I always pretended to be a boy in hopes of making my father like me. He always told me to stop acting like a sissy, He always made fun of the way I dressed and walked. He was forever yelling at me "get a haircut you look like a girl!" I got haircuts for my father and acted like a boy for my fathers love, although it never came.
In 1969 I pretended I was a men and joined the army with delusions of winning my fathers love and respect. I was not a pretend boy any more I was a pretend men, a dangerous thing to be in 1969. I was a caterpillar with out the knowledge of how to weave a cocoon. .
Fantasy is so much more satisfying then reality! When I was a little girl, chasing butterflies; I would dream my life away about growing up to be a beautiful women. I daydreamed my life away. Safe. IN the secherery of the library; No one made fun of me there! I could read what I felt like reading. I could dream my dreams. I learned about butterflies and Costa Rica in the library.
All dreams end with a sudden dose of reality. I learned all about reality in Vietnam. I hated the Army. They tried there best to make a man out of me. In 1970, I was 20 years old, and I was 56 weighing 126 pounds. Even in Vietnam I still was daydreaming about growing up to be a beautiful women.
In Vietnam I was a seeker of peace, by way of death, though I did not fine either peace or death. I am home in NH: were I spend as much time as possible walking in new Englands peaceful woods. Now. In spite of my father, in spite of the army, in spite of the war. I did grow up to be a beautiful woman. I did find out how to weave a cocoon; I did break out as a colorful butterfly! I still daydream about running through the rain forests of Costa Rica chasing butterflies. Wearing a long flowing dress, that is as colorful as the butterflies..
I was looking at some old pictures the other day. Boy did I look lost and sad. In that Army uniform. Some nights I still wake up from nightmares of my childhood. Some nights are full of dreams of those long ago nights in Vietnam. My worst fears come back then. Fears that I would not die in Vietnam, fears that I would have to return
To the world with my dark secret!
That DARK SECERT! I am not a man
! I am not a man I enough of that. Today the reality is I am a woman. Reality does not suck after all! I did grow up to be a beautiful woman. I do chase butterflies through the woods of NH in long flowing colorful skirts! .
© 2001 by Janice Josephine Carney. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, compilation design) may printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without express written consent of the copyright holder.