Hubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble           by: Jennifer Jane Pope

 

Part Four - TROUBLE

After the continuous outbreaks of babbling, the clearing had now gone completely silent. An owl hooted somewhere, one of the warlocks coughed, nervously, but that was it. Slowly, I followed Prenderghast to the tree, my hips swinging with every step in those heels. He paused, turned and began to remove his cape. One of his "lads" stepped forward to take it from him, and I felt my pulse quicken a little.

I saw that he was wearing a sort of short-sleeved vest, only made of leather, with patterns of silver studs all over it. About his throat, a series of silver chains made a sort of collar, possibly fixed onto some kind of leather backing to keep them so evenly spaced. Similar bands encircled his wrists.

Below the wide, heavily buckled belt, he was clad in tight fitting breeches, that tucked into heavy boots, with a studded triangle covering his groin area. All very Gothic and somehow perfectly in tune with the atmosphere now. You could have cut it with a knife.

‘Shall we begin?’ he asked, silkily. I swallowed and nodded and he mirrored the latter. With careful deliberation, he reached down and I saw that he was detatching the triangle, which was designed to come away separately. I couldn’t hide a half smile.

‘Something funny?’ he asked, his own lips twitching.

‘No,’ I said, ‘just that I can see where your lads get there manners from. Aren’t you even going to take your boots off?’ His smile grew wider and he shook his head.

‘I don’t think so,’ he said. I returned the smile.

‘Then I’ll keep my shoes on, if you don’t mind. There’s quite a dew on the grass now.’

‘Be my guest.’ He gave a stiff, half bow. I nodded acknowledgement and continued to stand there, until the leather pouch came away in his hand.

At which point, I stepped backwards, my knees suddenly having developed some sort of aversion to remaining locked upright. I gulped, squeaked and stared at what he had revealed in the flickering light.

‘Fuck me!’ I gasped. Prenderghast hefted the monster, still in its limp state, for heaven’s sake! And grinned, wickedly.

‘Oh, I intend to, my dear,’ he chuckled, throatily. ‘You can put your life savings on that. First, however, you can put that sweet mouth on this!’

For a lot of reasons, I had never sucked a penis in my life. Most of these reasons centred on the fact that I had always considered myself fiercely heterosexual and the final one was that I couldn’t bend over enough to try experimenting on my own when I was a lad in that "discovery" stage of early puberty. So, having had no experience, I expected to find it (a) distasteful (b) bad tasting (c) awkward and (d) embarrassing.

Tick none of the above. This body, possibly with the help of Holly’s female viagra equivalent, took to it like a duck to water and that included the bobbing up and down bit!

‘First foreplay contact!’ I barely heard Holly’s voice. ‘Ten minutes, watch started.’

‘I get double that, you old bag!’ I heard Prenderghast growl. Already his member was thickening and lengthening. Stick a scalpel on the end of this and you could have my appendicitis out, by the long route! ‘Paramount’s privilege, you don’t tell me you’ve forgotten that!’

‘Just testin’,’ the old witch sniggered. ‘You okay there, Celeste? Watch those knees in that wet grass.’

‘Shut up,’ Prenderghast muttered. ‘No trying to distract.’

‘Mmmmmphhhhhgrggghhh!’ I said.

‘Shouldn’t speak with your mouth full,’ the warlock said, his fingers entwining themselves in my hair and drawing me closer still, so that I thought he was going to have my tonsils out and without the aid of a scalpel.

‘Aaah, that’s good. Keep that rythmn!’

Vaguely, I remembered what Holly had told me earlier and I reached up, my hands blindly seeking his massive balls, swinging in that huge scrotum. I felt him tremble as my nailed fingers found their target.

‘Careful now,’ I heard him growl. ‘Designated vital area.’

Very vital, I thought and stroked the dimpled flesh with little butterfly passes that elicited another series of groans. I grinned, despite my full mouth, and wondered what would happen if I made him come in my mouth. I remembered the rule about not being supposed to, but what if I made him lose control. The thought was ... well, for some reason or other, my brain didn’t reject it outright. In fact, it didn’t reject it at all

I redoubled my efforts. If I succeeded, little Nigel Halfditch looked like he might get more than he bargained for and I, especially still a virgin, a little less, which seemed no bad thing for my first time. I shuddered as I imagined myself impaled upon this ferocious monster that was gagging me, but then shuddered again, as I realised that the reaction had not been one of fear.

As it turned out, I never got to find out if the dwarf warlock would have been offered the honour - my honour, I suppose, though having spent several minutes kneeling in front of the tall warlock, doing my best to make him shoot everything down my throat, I guess that my honour was now only a physical technicality thing.

For a start, despite his obvious enjoyment of my ministrations, it soon became clear that Prenderghast had complete control still and was in no immediate danger of coming. This, I thought, slowing my action again, was going to be harder work than I originally thought. Harder work than the rest of the bloody warlocks put together.

I had no idea of the passing of time. Whether it was three minutes, or thirty three, I couldn’t have told anyone, except that a few grey cells banded together and helped remind me that there was supposed to be a twenty minute time limit on this stage.

‘Good girl, up you come,’ I heard Prenderghast say and a non too sympathetic tug on my hair reinforced the instruction. Somewhat groggily, I rose to my feet again, all but ignorant of the cold dampness on my knees and the little beads of dew that immediately began to trickle down my lower legs.

‘Ve-ery good indeed,’ Prenderghast grinned and I was somewhat taken aback to see that his features were barely flushed. ‘Now, your turn,’ he said and his hands reached out tocup my breasts through the guazy dress. I felt like I’d just been shot.

‘Hoooo!’ I squealed. ‘N-n-n-n-n-n-ghgh! Aaaah!’ Damn that potion. Love that potion. Love this body! His thumbs stroked my nipples, which were beginning to swell out at an astonishing rate, like two little stumpy penises. Every touch was like an electric current being applied to every pleasure generating nerve ending in my - this - body.

‘Ho-oll-eeeeee!’ I squealed. ‘Yoo-ooou said eeet woonnnnnn’t turn urgggggghhhhh me-e-eee intway-ay-ay nymph-ph-ph-ph-fucking hell!’

‘Whatever "it" is,’ Prenderghast laughed, ‘it didn’t.’ He squeezed again.

‘Aaaa-aaaahhhhhhhhrrrrggghhhh. Whoah! Ooooh!’

‘No, I did that,’ the warlock smirked. ‘Little mental incantation, whilst your mouth was so delightfully filled and whoosh! gagging for it, if you’ll pardon the pun.’

‘B-b-b-b-b-bastard!’ he laughed again and shook his head, still holding me by my boobs at arm’s length.

‘Not really,’ he said. ‘I was trying to be kind and reward you for your little performance earlier. Thought it’d make it less of an ordeal this way.’ He looked genuinely surprised, or what I could see of him through that swimmy haze seemed to indicate that he was.

‘Oooooo-orrrr-d-d-d-deal!’ I squealed and gasped. ‘Th-is isssssssss an ord-d-d-d-eeeeel and a halffffff-phmmphhhhh! D-d-d-d-driving meee f-f-f-fucking in-s-s-s-s-ane!’ The hand that left my left nipple and descended between my open thigh to probe myy defenceless sex lips beneath the short and flimsy hand, well, that did nothing at all to help. Quite the reverse, in fact.

‘Yi-eye-eye-eye-yi-yi-yi. Ooohhhhh, pig!’

‘Hold it,’ he whispered, his eyes darting downwards.

‘H-h-hold wha-at?’

‘What do you think,’ he snickered. ‘The thing you want inside you so badly.’

‘Oo-oooh, aaaahhhhh!’ I felt for the thing and found it without any problem at all, even with my eyes closed. It was massive, stiff and throbbing and felt warm and still moist with my saliva. Expertly, Prenderghast manoevred me around, so that my back was against the tree.

‘No contact with the tree,’ I heard Holly’s voice.

‘Want her to fall over?’ Prenderghast snapped back. ‘My privilege, first time, if you remember?’

‘Oh ye-es!’ I sighed, opening my legs wide and trying to pull his shaft towards my already sopping wet entrance. ‘Your privilege. S’alright, Holly. Leave it go.’ He could have thrown me on the grass right then and broken every rule in the book and I swear I’d have ripped the eyes out of anyone who had tried to shout foul and stop him. I wanted that monster thing inside me and I wanted it now!

Trouble was, he was too tall for me to be able to straddle him, because the tip of his erection was pressing against my navel. With a flash of inspiration, I threw my arms about his neck and pulled myself up him, ignoring the rough bark tearing away at my flimsy dress and my flesh into the bargain. If anything, the pain added to the sensation.

‘Help meeee!’ I pleaded. ‘Pleeeeease!’

Strong hands suddenly cupped my buttocks, lifting me the extra inches and I coiled my long legs around his waist. Wedging me against the trunk, he then detatched one hand and used it to guide the bulbous head of his weapon between my twitching labia.

‘Don’t worry,’ he whispered, so that only I could hear. ‘I promise I won’t be gentle with you.’

‘Gooood!’ I croaked and then shuddered and screeched again, as the determined battering ram began to force its entrance. I felt the hymen muscles trying to mount a counter-attack and the thin membrane starting to tear.

‘Bleed me, you bastard!’ I hissed and sank my teeth into his ear.

‘Foul, you bitch,’ he gasped, but made no attempt to dislodge my incisorial grip. ‘You’ll pay for that!’

‘I know,’ I groaned, happily, as the rest of the membrane gave up the unequal struggle and his full length slid into me. ‘Over and over and over again. Giddyup, horsey.’ And I started to ride him, lifting myself up and down, so that his cock slid almost all the way out and then all the way back in again.

‘Whoa, tiger!’ I groaned. ‘Who’s a big boy, then? Do it for auntie, there’s a good little warlock. C’mon, Prenny, prenny-trate me good and hard. Fuckie-fuckie-fuckie. S’up? Cat got your tongue?’ I giggled. ‘Minny got you by the tail, though, hasn’t it?’

My vaginal muscles were working overtime, and all, or so it seemed, without any conscious effort on my behalf. Prenderghast let out a low, rumbling moan and I felt him stagger slightly, so I concentrated on keeping my little tunnel nicely passive again.

‘Not yet, you don’t, you great walking dildo,’ I rasped. ‘Not ’til I say you can.’

Sheee-ite! This man was supposed to be the most powerful warlock in the south of England and here I was talking like this to him. What’s more, the dirty bastard was lapping up every moment of it.

Lapping up! Yes, that would be a fitting finale. I drove myself up and down and felt myself building towards something, though I wasn’t sure what it would be when I arrived.

I wasn’t long in finding out. I arrived all right. Came, I should say.

I thought every bit of me had exploded and gone into super-sensual orbit and, credit where credit’s due, Prenderghast did manfully to keep me from hurting myself. How the hell he maintained his balance, even with the aid of the tree, with this demented, flailing, bucking slut doing her best to self destruct, is beyond me.

But then, I thought, as I slowly regained my senses, he wasn’t exactly your average human being, was he?

I forced my eyes open and grinned, all loppily.

‘How was it for you, lover?’ I giggled. He grinned.

‘Not over yet,’ he whispered, lifting me carefully off my delightful impalement and setting me down on totally unsteady feet. In his hand, a condom appeared, as if by magic. He winked.

I haven’t come yet,’ he said. I suppose I should have felt appalled to hear that news. I wasn’t.

‘Oh goodie!’ I squealed, up half an octave again, but my finger had discovered just exactly where to find my clitoris and I was rubbing it fiercely, not caring about the fact that sixteen pairs of eyes were all riveted, unblinkingly in most cases, Immie told me afterwards, on me and my most private body bit.

‘More bonky-bonkies, then?’ he nodded, rolling the thin rubber down his shaft. Super, fuck off sized condoms - I wondered, idly, where he bought them. If he was sexually active other than every forty nine years, I thought, no wonder they’ve got a world wide rubber shortage. Retread that and you could use it on a seven-four-seven wheel.

And so it started up all over again and what was left of my brains joined the first part in orbit somewhere. I needed the break afterwards and Prendrghast genously conceded I could take up to half an hour, without incurring any penalties.

‘Can’t disappoint the boys, can we?’ he smirked. he knew how good a job he’d done on me and he was revelling in it, having seemingly forgotten that I was really a male. But was I? I thought, as I gratefully sipped at Aunt Polly’s brandy flask.

I had super sensitive boobs, a vagina that seemed insatiable, a bottom that sent me into shivers whenever it was touched, a mouth that could - damn the man, I’d intended to make him use his tongue on me! Bugger it.

‘I don’t know how you can bear to even look at me,’ I whispered, shamefacedly, as Immie crouched down beside me and pecked me on the cheek, ‘not after that little exhibition.’

‘S’not your fault,’ she said, stroking my naked shoulder. ‘You can’t fight magic. His little spell and Holly’s brew - a powerful combination. Plus the old sod knows how to pleasure a woman, I’ll give him that.’

‘Ye-es,’ I sighed and swallowed another shot of brandy in one gulp.

I persuaded Immie to take Aunt Polly back to the cottage, assuring her I’d feel a lot better if I didn’t have the thought in my brain that she was watching everything. It transpired that there was really no reason for any of them to be there, except for Aunt Holly, in her capacity as "umpire", just to see fair play.

Dolly decided to go with them. ‘I could lessen Prenderghast’s spell,’ she offered, ‘or even remove it completely, if you like?’ I shook my head, maybe a shade too firmly.

‘No,’ I asserted. ‘If you did, I might not be able to go through with all this.’ Besides, this wicked little voice was saying, don’t mend what ain’t broken. Dolly gave me a smile that made me suspect she knew exactly what was going on inside my pretty little blonde head.

‘Your choice,’ she whispered, kissing me on the cheek and standing up. ‘Try not to enjoy yourself too much.’ I must have looked very guilty, because she laughed. ‘Don’t worry, sweetie,’ she cooed, ‘your secret’s safe with me. Not that you kept it that secret. Anyway, Holly will see you don’t come to any real harm. Really, apart from pren, they’re all scared of her.’

‘Not half as much as they’re scared of you,’ I pointed out. She laughed, that melodious, sensual laugh that told of many years of being very sure of herself.

‘I know,’ she said, ‘but you weren’t doing a bad job yourself. Keep it up?’

‘I thought that was their job?’ I quipped. She winked, dropping one heavily mascara’d eyelid in a deliberately slow motion.

‘Good show!’ she laughed and turned to disappear into the shadows.

The next few hours were a bit of a blur, all except the session with little Nigel Halfditch. I called Aunt Holly over and bent to whisper urgently in her ear. She listened, silently, not interrupting until I had finished.

‘It’s strictly against the rules,’ she said, shaking her head, dubiously. ‘I suppose we could make an allowance, but I don’t know. It could be setting a precedent and I don’t hold with setting precedents. Goes in the face of tradition, by its very nature.’

‘I’d rather that,’ I asserted, ‘than suffer the embarrassment of having the poor little bugger stand on an orange box to screw me, or have to bend my knees and stand like a straddled wassname. Talk to prenderghast, please. Make the offer, but tell him it’s a one off and get his word on it. He can’t break his word, can he?’

The dwarf warlock displayed surprisingly good manners, taking off his cloak and speading it on the damp grass.

‘It’s waterproof, Miss,’ he said, nervously. ‘All warlock’s cloaks are.’ He began to fumble with his breeches and I laid myself down and opened my legs. I saw his eyes widen.

‘Oh my!’ he said, his fingers suddenly becoming thumbs and vice versa. ‘Oh my, my, my!’ I sat up and helped him with the buckle and then helped him pull his trousers down. To my surprise, I realised that this was the biggest of the warlock organs I had seen earlier - biggest apart from Prenderghast’s monster weapon, that was.

He also had a pretty good grasp of how to make the best use of it, or else it was beginner’s luck and he soon had me oohing and aahing, though not with quite the intensity his boss’s efforts had produced.

‘I’m not technically a dwarf, you know, Miss,’ he said, speaking from between my heaving breasts. ‘It’s not PC, anyway. Strictly speaking, I’m vertically challenged.’

‘You’re all the same size when you’re lying down,’ I sighed, contendedly and steered his mouth towards my left nipple. ‘Oh yes, there’s a good boy,’ I mumbled, as he sucked the teat greedily into his mouth.

After that, it all became a bit of a procession and the only breaks in the routine were the different positions I was asked to adopt. Down on all fours, bent over, holding my ankles, standing upright. They were a surprisingly polite lot, considering their earlier unruliness. Like boys everywhere, especially when they’re with their "gang", they talked a good fight, but when it came down to the nitty gritty, they were all just a little bit shy and I had to do quite a bit of encouraging.

Actually, there was one other distinctive moment. The eighth - or maybe it was the ninth - warlock, a stocky fellow, with slicked down black hair and applie pie cheeks, wearing a very neat cape and pin-striped breeches underneath, regarded his lack of erection when he had revealed his member and looked up at me, not a little shamefacedly.

‘Um, sorry, Mistress Celeste,’ he muttered, his rosy cheeks reddening further. ‘Maybe you could spank me a bit, on the bum, you know? It usually helps.’ I looked across at Holly, for guidance. She shrugged.

‘Up to you, missy,’ she grinned. ‘I suppose it could be classed as foreplay. No more than ten minutes worth, mind, young man.’

No danger. He bent over, presented me with two pink chubby cheeks and I began to spank them each in turn. Quite hard. I couldn’t see whether his little man was starting to shape up, but, as it happened, it didn’t matter. he gave a loud groan, fell onto his knees and ejaculated all over the grass in front of him.

‘Messy little sod!’ Holly cackled. ‘That’s your turn finished.’

‘Not yet it isn’t!’ I snapped and jabbed my finger at the offending sticky mess. ‘People may want to bring children through here tomorrow,’ I stormed. ‘Get that muck cleared off the nice clean grass. With your tongue, you wicked boy.’ By the time the poor sod crept away towards the bushes, trying to pull his once immaculate pin stripes up again, his organ was damned nearly fully hard again, but that wasn’t my problem.

‘Go into the woods and jerk yourself off!’ I ordered him, in my most commanding voice. ‘And don’t come back here until you’ve managed to control that ugly thing. And,’ I added, conscious of my earlier statement, ‘use a bloody tissue this time.’ he stopped in his tracks and turned back to face me, his features radiant.

‘I haven’t got a hanky, Mistress,’ he said. I sighed and turned to what was left of the warlocks, some of them having sloped off, having had their turn.

‘Somebody give the useless boy a tissue,’ I said. ‘And be quick about it. I don’t have all night.’

And then it came down to just me and Prenderghast again. Rematch time.

I looked across and saw that Auntie Holly seemed to have fallen asleep, sitting on a fallen log, her head slumped forward, hands clutching the rule book in her lap. I moved across and tapped her lightly on the shoulder. Instantly, she jerked awake, making me jump back in alarm.

‘Wassup!?’ she snapped, nose jerking from side to side.

‘Nothing,’ I assured her. ‘Everything’s fine.’

‘All done, are we?’ she said, beginning to stand up. I heard ancient bones creak.

‘Just Master Prenderghast’s second privilege,’ I said. She looked past me at the tall warlock.

‘Reckon you could hurry this one up a bit, you old reprobate?’ she cackled. ‘Only I’m getting a bit old to be out all night at this time of year. Bloody stupid time to have Hallowe’en, if you ask me. Should have had it in July, or August. Must have been young witches came up with this one. Hope they lived to rue their mistake!’

‘Why don’t you go on back to the cottage?’ I suggested, gently, helping her to her feet. ‘I’ll be all right.’ She glared at Prenderghast, suspiciously and accusingly. I took her scrawny hand in mine.

‘I don’t think I’ll have any trouble with him,’ I said. ‘He doesn’t scare me any more.’

‘He never scared me any in the first place!’ Holly sniggered. ‘But there’s rules.’

‘Holly,’ Prenderghast said, speaking with surprising gentleness, ‘rules can be bent, between old friends, surely? Celeste is right, she’s got nothing to fear and you know I wouldn’t hurt her.’ His tone was almost plaintive. Holly looked from him to me and back again. Twice.

‘Mushrooms,’ she said. ‘Those big ones that only grow over by your place.’ She snickered. ‘Five pounds of the biggest buggers every week.’

‘Every fortnight,’ he countered. Her long nose wrinkled.

‘Tight-arsed bastard! Go on then. But if she ain’t back by dawn, you know the rules.’

‘As well as you do, my dear old friend,’ Prenderghast said. Holly’s eyes twinkled.

‘Bet you don’t,’ she said. Then, to me, ‘Right then, girlie, I’m off for some tea and toast. When you twose have finished trying to see who can shag the other one into two falls and a submission, the kettle will be hot. Oh yes,’ she said, chuckling as she saw the look that flashed across my face, ‘I know, missy. But don’t worry, I shan’t say anything to Immie and ’sides, even if I did, we all know it’s the magic that’s to blame.

‘Lucky ole you, got a free ticket, no guilt, shag your brains out and no one can say it’s your fault. I should have been so fucking fortunate. Oh well, where’s me bag? I’m sure I put a spare bottle of Guiness in here somewhere. And put your bloody cloak down first, Pren,’ she shrilled. ‘Don’t let a bloody dwarf put your manners to shame!’

She shuffled away, muttering all the while and was soon swallowed up by the darkness. Eventually, even the sound of her voice faded out, after a final instruction to: ‘Send one of those useless louts round tomorrow with me mushrooms!’ and I turned to face the warlock leader.

‘How does she know these things?’ I asked. ‘Magic? Headology?’ He shrugged.

‘Bit of both, maybe,’ he said, quietly. ‘I doubt she really knows herself, but I’d say we were both a bit transparent, wouldn’t you?’

‘Was I that obvious?’ He gave me a crooked grin.

‘’Fraid so,’ he said. ‘But then you’re a bit new to all this, so it’s not surprising. I wasn’t that subtle myself. Let’s go find my cloak and sit and have a drink for a bit. I’ve got a bottle of single malt hidden inside the tree.’

‘What about the dawn deadline?’ I reminded him. He looked up at the sky and the stars that were now blinking on and off up there, far away in another universe, as surely as these woods, this evening, had become another world.

‘Three hours yet, I’d say,’ he calculated. ‘Plenty of time. Only got one more go, if you’ll pardon the blunt expression.’ I looked up into his face.

‘Says who?’ I demanded. ‘What the eye doesn’t see, and all that.’

‘They’ll know,’ he sighed. ‘Holly will, anyway. And she may tell, though knowing her, then again she might not.’

‘I don’t care if she does,’ I chirped, carelessly. ‘I’m blaming the magic - yours and hers.’ I linked my arm through his. ‘But especially yours, I think!’

There are, occasionally, a few things in life that defy rational explanation and they can generally be put down to the influence of magic, whether you happen to believe in magic, or not.

Magic, you see, appears in various guises. There’s liquid magic (with several sub-categories, some of which are a bit messy), there’s gaseous magic, which you can sometimes smell in the air on a spring morning, for instance, or as you walk past a fish and chip shop on a Saturday night and there’s fiery magic, which you have to approach carefully and should never, never try to handle.

Fiery magic is for enjoying at a safe distance.

What about solid magic? Well, by definition, it can’t exist. Magic has to be able to move about, as I’ve found since I first met Immie and her godsmothers, not to mention Pren and his crowd, who are so useless that without magic, they’d never manage it through the woods without continually bumping into trees.

I think that the witch-warlock pact (or bargain), of which I was the seven times seven settlement this time, has something to do with reinforcing the warlocks’ magic for just that reason. Those trees suffer enough from pollution, without having to put up with blockheads blundering into them ...

Anyway, as I was saying ...

Rational explanations.

Question: how come I’m suddenly so attracted to Prenderghast? He’s a warlock, I’m a temporary nymphomaniac fairy and him and all his little cohort have just spent Hallowe’en night using me to play "Let’s hide Mr Wrinkly", not to mention ruining a very nice fairy dress. Oh yes, and I broke one of my heels during my fourth little session with Pren.

Fourth did I say? Sorry, I meant second. Only allowed two, ’cause it says so in the rules and whilst the rules can be bent by agreement, they can’t be broken.

Can they?

Sssshhhhhhhhh!

Actually, when you got past all that warlock pose, Pren was a very pleasant guy. Several centuries of education and travelling around the world several times without the need to suffer in airport departure lounges have to have some sort of positive effect, even on a man, and in him, I saw that they had.

Okay, so he also gave me a thorough seeing to on first acquaintance, but I didn’t exactly complain about it, did I? Moaned a bit, yes, but then -

Moaned quite a lot, actually. And pretty loudly.

Who am I trying to kid here?

Polly, Holly and Dolly know exactly what went on before dawn and so does Immie, but, as things turned out ... and they turned out even more unexpectedly than they had even thus far. Wanna see for yourself?

‘What do you mean, Pren even used a condom each time?’ Immie stared at me and her pale face turned even paler. Something was going on behind those beautiful eyes and I suddenly didn’t like it. ‘They all did!’

‘They did?’

‘It’s in the rules,’ Dolly drawled. She was sitting in the big armchair I’d occupied earlier and I thought she’d dozed off, because her eyes were closed. ‘They have to wear a condom. I thought you’d know about that sort of thing.’

‘Well, yes,’ I said, ‘but last night wasn’t exactly my usual sort of experience, was it?’

‘Maybe not, but -’ Immie began. She was looking even more troubled now.

‘But nothing,’ I said. ‘I just did what I was told. I thought you all had everything else sorted out!’

‘I thought we did, too, dear,’ Aunt Polly said, coming up and taking my hand. She looked across to where the eldest of the three witches was now sitting in the window, apparently looking out at the sunrise. ‘Holly?’

Aunt Holly turned her head slowly back towards us, a funny expression on her face.

‘Well, that fire was getting a bit low, so the light wasn’t too good,’ she muttered, ‘and these old eyes aren’t getting any younger and -’

‘Aunt Holly!’ Immie almost screamed. ‘You were supposed to be seeing that everything was done by that bloody book! And you talked to Simon - sorry, Celeste - before and said you’d explained a few things, so we naturally assumed -’

‘All right, I probably forgot that bit.’ Sullen look. ‘Must have slipped my mind. Time was getting short anyway and everything was happening at once. I’m an old woman, so I’m probably losing my grip, okay?’

‘I wonder,’ Dolly said, in something only just above a whisper.

‘Didn’t you look to make sure yourself, then?’ Immie said, taking my other hand. Aunt Polly still held the left one.

‘No,’ I admitted. ‘I should have done. Perhaps they did and I didn’t really notice?’ That was hopeful - in extremis.

‘You don’t need to look,’ Immie said.

‘No,’ I said, glumly.

‘You can tell the difference,’ she added.

‘The gushy bit is a bit of a giveaway,’ I mumbled.

‘Shit!’ said Immie, not quite under her breath.

‘Damn!’ exclaimed Dolly.

‘Oh dear,’ said Aunt Polly and sighed. I looked across at Aunt Holly.

‘Bollocks!’ she snapped and refused to meet my eye.

‘Maybe it’s okay?’ I suggested. ‘I mean, you don’t really think that just on one night -?’

‘There are probably a million sprogs in England right now,’ Dolly said, ‘just because of girls thinking that. Come over here and I’ll take a look.’

‘A look?’ I didn’t like the sound of that, but Polly patted the back of my hand, reassuringly.

‘Dolly can tell, just by being near enough to you,’ she explained, quietly. ‘She’s got all sorts of powers that the rest of us don’t have.’

‘Bugger!’ Dolly said, about two seconds after I’d stepped over to her. Several pairs of eyes were on her and several pairs of lungs held their breath.

‘And?’ Immie asked, eventually. Dolly shook her head.

‘Well, what do you think?’ she said, in that always-slightly-so-superior tone of hers. ‘She’s up the duff all right!’

‘What?’ I exclaimed, horrified.

‘Pudding club, dearie,’ Polly said, coming quickly across to put her arm around me.

‘I can’t be. Anyway, it must be too soon to tell, surely?’ I was almost pleading.

‘Not for a fitch, my darling,’ Immie said, her voice close to cracking. ‘If Aunt Dolly says you are, you are. Put anything you like on that.’

‘I can tell within about the first two seconds, actually,’ Dolly said, almost proudly. ‘First spark of new life and ... well, I can just tell.’

‘I can’t have a baby!’ I wailed.

‘Too bloody right you can’t,’ Dolly exclaimed. ‘A warlock and a fairy? I shudder to think of what might come out of there in nine months time.’

‘Another fitch, you mean?’ I guessed. Immie shook her head.

‘No, that’s a fairy father with a witch mother.’

‘And you get me,’ Dolly murmured.

‘A lot of power,’ Polly said.

‘So what do you get in my case?’ I demanded. ‘With a warlock father and fairy mother, I mean?’

‘Bad news, basically,’ Dolly said. ‘Especially as you’ve still got a trace of human male in you somewhere.’

‘Bad news?’ I echoed. Immie held my hand again.

‘Could well be,’ she said. ‘No one can ever be really sure, but the trouble is, they were all just low grade warlocks and -’

‘Better to have a goblin as the father,’ Polly said. ‘That way you’d just get an imp and they mature within twenty one months and leave home and go off and annoy rabbits.’

‘And sheep,’ growled Holly, from her window seat.

‘So what do you call -?’ I started to ask.

‘You don’t!’ Dolly said, firmly. ‘There is a name for it, but no one ever says it out loud. Brings bad luck.’

‘I think it’s a bit late for me to start worrying about that, don’t you?’ I said. Dolly shook her head.

‘No, I can get rid of it easily enough. It’s very early days still.’

‘Then for Pete’s sake!’ I all but howled.

‘Don’t wet your knickers, girlie,’ Dolly smiled, ‘I already did.’

‘But? You mean you let me freak out over this and then all the time -?’ I sighed with the sort of relief I didn’t think possible and turned and tottered back to the nearest empty chair, collapsing into it in a limp and untidy heap, golden hair all over my face, which I suddenly realised was wet with tears. I sobbed and sobbed until I found I was laughing, but then I stopped, realising that everyone else in the room was still silent and all four faces set into an expression I did not like one little bit.

‘What’s the matter?’ I asked, nervously. ‘I mean, okay, aborting isn’t, well, you know, but from what you said, the alternative -’

‘Would have been far worse,’ Polly agreed. ‘So that’s one problem dealt with.’

‘There’s another?’ Four faces told me that there was. ‘Like?’ I prompted. Immie was the one who took up the baton.

‘This means,’ she explained, speaking very slowly and crouching in front of me, ‘that the spell to change you back into a male fairy won’t work.’

‘What?!!!’

‘It’s a hormonal thing,’ she went on, and I saw her cheeks were now as soaked as mine. Somehow, our hands found each other. ‘Even though you were only pregnant for an hour or two at the most, the damage has been done.’

‘Inside the first second,’ Dolly added. ‘The moment the sperm -’

‘All right, Dolly dear, I think Celeste has got the picture,’ Aunt Polly interceded. ‘Let Immie finish telling her, or do you want to do it yourself.’

‘Please,’ Immie whimpered, her voice trembling. Dolly sat up straight and then stood upright.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘as soon as that little hormonal change happens in the first moment of pregnancy, it changes the entire molecular structure of your body - the magical molecules, that is. They get themselves all confused and the change back spell won’t work.’

‘Oh shit!’ I breathed. ‘You mean I’m stuck like this forever? Oh my god!’

‘Please, Celeste,’ Aunt Polly whispered, ‘not that word. Not in this house.’

‘What?’ I exploded. ‘You mean shit? Well, sorry, but how else do -’

‘No, dearie,’ she interrupted. ‘Not shit, the other word, the gee word. Not unless you put an "s" on the end of it.’

‘Oh.’ Fair enough.

No, it wasn’t fair enough!

‘It’s not fair!’ I screeched. ‘I do my very damndest to help you all and save you getting chucked out and turning into little heaps of dust and you can’t even make sure that some totally incompetent bunch of bloody overgrown schoolboys doesn’t get me up the duff! You must have known the consequences and what if they had used condoms and one of them had split, eh? Same bloody outcome!’

‘I blame myself,’ Dolly said. ‘A simple spell would have made sure it couldn’t happen anyway. But, as Holly says, everything was happening in a big rush. I sort of assumed she’d done it anyway, and, well, it’s a bit late blaming ourselves or each other now.’

‘No,’ Immie agreed. ‘We need to concentrate on trying to find a way to get Celeste back to being Simon again. There must be a way, surely?’

‘Well, there is,’ Dolly agreed.

‘Then do it!’ I cried. ‘Now, please. Now would be a good time.’

‘Not that easy,’ the elegant witch drawled. ‘Only way I know is for you to get pregnant again, but by a paramount warlock. Except this time we use a spell that means you don’t actually create a baby, but divert the life force into changing your body back again.’

‘Would he agree to that?’ I said. Notice, the thought of banging away with Prenderghast again hadn’t exactly horrified me.

‘He’ll have to,’ Aunt Holly said. ‘One of his lot caused the damage, so he has to put it right. It in -’

‘- the rules,’ I said. ‘How come that doesn’t surprise me? You sure he can’t refuse.’

‘Absolutely,’ Dolly said. ‘Anyway, Pren would do it, even if he didn’t have to, apart from the fact that he’d jump at the chance for another rumpty session with you. Underneath everything he tries to show the world, he’s not a bad chap, really.’

‘I know,’ I said, before I could stop myself. Immie squeezed my hand.

‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘You’ll find a different attitude to morality in our sort of circles.’

‘But aren’t you jealous?’ I squeaked, a bit taken aback.

‘Why?’ she asked. ‘You can’t love him. You can only love me, same as I can only love you.’

‘What you felt for Pren was lust, dearie,’ Polly said. ‘Good old fashioned lust.’

‘But I found myself liking him,’ I protested.

‘Nothing wrong with that, dearie,’ Polly says. ‘Old Pren’s quite likeable, as Dolly said. Bit pretentious, at times, but he’s okay. Anyway, it’s better to like someone you’ve done it with. Shows proper respect and feeling.’

‘He said something along those lines,’ I admitted. I shook my head, swirling damp, golden curls. ‘And you’re right, he wouldn’t refuse me, even if he could.’ I wiped one eye with the back of my slender hand and almost took it out with my nails. ‘Ouch!’ I took the tissue Polly proferred and put it to good use.

‘Well then,’ I said, when I’d repaired the damage as best I could, ‘what are we all waiting for? Let’s get over to Pren’s now and get this over with.’

‘Ah, well,’ Dolly began. What now? I soon found out. ‘It won’t work, not just like that,’ she said. ‘Has to happen on the first anniversary of the original, um, event, if you get my drift?’

‘Anniversary?’ I squeaked. ‘You mean I have to stay like this for a whole year|?’

‘Bit of a bugger, that,’ Holly murmured, looking out of the window again now. ‘Still, could be worse.’

‘Yes, it could have been forever,’ Immie agreed, forcing a smile onto her face. ‘A year’s not that long, when all’s said and done.’

‘Easy for you to say that,’ I pouted. ‘You’re a -’

‘And so are you, now,’ she reminded me, cutting me short. ‘Male or female, you’ve got centuries ahead of you. With me.’

‘Yes,’ I said and a watery smile started to make an effort to dry out. ‘With you. But you wanted me as a -’

‘I wanted you as you!’ Immie said, firmly. ‘And you’re still you.’

‘But that means you have to go a whole year -’

‘Don’t you believe that for one minute, sweetie,’ she chuckled. Eyebrows up!

‘Eh?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘now you know what it’s like to have sex as a woman.’

‘Yes?’

‘And?’

‘And what?’

‘And, on balance,’ she said, ‘forgetting any macho male ego stuff for a bit -’

‘-which you seemed to do easily enough last night,’ Dolly pointed out.

‘Forgetting that,’ Immie continued, ‘which would you say was the most, shall we say, satisfying?’ I opened my mouth to reply and then shut it again. My fairy pale cheeks began to burn.

‘Bugger,’ I said. Then another thought struck me.

‘Hey, but hang on there a minute!’ I protested. ‘I’m not going around for the next twelve months bonking warlocks for my pleasure, with or without condoms!’

‘Who said anything about warlocks?’ Immie asked. ‘Or men in general?’ She giggled. ‘You do have a lot to learn, Celeste, don’t you?’

‘You mean -?’ She nodded.

‘I’ll show you later, once we’ve had some breakfast and a bath.’

Yes, a bath!’ I sighed. ‘I must stink awfully!’

‘Of warlocks,’ Polly said, smiling benignly down at me.

‘And other things,’ Holly cackled.

‘Holly!’

The front room of the cottage was pretty big, as I described much earlier in this little story, but even it was crowded as the twelve warlocks filed in behind their leader and formed a line along the wall opposite the window. They looked a bit sheepish and, in the daylight coming in through the thick panes, an even scruffier lot than when I had last seen them.

Prenderghast and Holly held centre stage, Polly sat in her fireside chair and Immie and I held hands on the sofa. Dolly didn’t seem to be anywhere, but you can never tell with flitches, as I’ve since learned. I’ve learned a lot of other things since, as well, but that’s another story and a bit private, between Immie and myself, so I’ll leave you to use your own imagination on that.

‘Right then!’ Pren bellowed. The raggedy line came to something approximating attention, though not approximating it that closely. ‘You all know why you’re here!’

A little murmur of apprehension rippled down the line, which seemed to ripple with it.

‘I’m waiting!’ Prenderghast roared. ‘You’ve all got something to say to Mistress Celeste, I believe?’ Mumble, mumble.

‘Erm, sorry, miss.’

‘Mumble.’

‘Cough - sorry.’

‘Me too.’

‘Sniffle.’

‘An’ me.’

The line sort of rippled again and little Nigel Halfditch stepped forward. He looked even smaller now and his face was really red, but he drew himself up to his full height quickly - he didn’t have far to go - and looked me straight in the face.

‘What me and the chaps would really like to say,’ he began, ‘is that we’re really, really, truly sorry for what we did. To you, I mean. The condom thingie.’ He swallowed hard. ‘And it was even meaner, ‘cos you were such a great sport about everything an’ all.’ He finished.

‘Just a minute, Nigel,’ I said, as he made to rejoin the line. His expression was that of a man who thinks he’s just about to be pushed off a cliff. A very high cliff. I stood up, which meant I really towered above him, for the broken crystal slippers had been replaced by a similarly heeled pair in black patent. My feet - these feet I now had - seemed much more at home in high heels.

‘Nigel,’ I began again, ‘a lot of what happened last night is a bit of a blur, but one thing I do now remember is that you most certainly did use a condom. Didn’t you?’ His face went an even deeper shade of red and he nodded.

‘Yes, miss, I did.’ I looked over his head at the other eleven miscreants.

‘Anyone else?’ I saw the warlock with the slicked hair and pin striped breeches. ‘Not you,’ I said to him. ‘You don’t count, of course.’ Eleven pairs of eyes averted mine and stared down at the carpet and ten heads began to shake slowly from side to side.

‘None of you!’ Prenderghast raged. ‘You bunch of ungrateful bastards! You knew what could happen and now it bloody well has!’ He confronted Nigel, who was still out front and looking very vulnerable.

‘Halfditch!’ he bellowed. ‘I want an explanation for this. There’s more to this than meets the eye and you’d better tell me, unless you want to end up even shorter than you are now, you misbegotten son of a dolthead!’

‘T’wasn’t my idea, boss. I said we shouldn’t.’

‘Sneak!’

‘Grass!’

‘Fuckin’ arsehole licker.’

‘Badger -’

‘Shuddit!’

Deja vu!

‘Hold on, hold on!’ I snapped, raising my hand. The magic worked like a charm again and silence returned. ‘I’ll do this myself, if you don’t mind, Mr Prenderghast?’ Oh my, how formal - considering. He nodded and stepped back.

‘Now,’ I said, ‘I don’t care who’s idea it was and who did and who didn’t agree with it. I suspect Nigel is telling the truth here, which is why he - and he was the only one among you bunch of bickering little incompetents who did, I’ll remind you - he was the only one who did take precautions. But that’s by the by.’

‘Couldn’t do it to you, miss,’ Nigel mumbled. ‘You was more than decent to me and never made all those jokes, like me having short comings and everything. An’ you let me have second go after the guvnor.’

‘Well, it’s nice to be appreciated in some quarters,’ I said.

‘Eighths, in his case,’ someone said.

‘Shurrup, you idiot. The fitch woman’s about here somewhere.’

‘Anyway,’ I said, raising my voice, ‘as I said, all I want to know now is why you all did it? You knew the consequences for me, didn’t you?’ heads nodded all along the line and faces looked very guilty, what I could see of them. Nigel, seeming as if he had grown in stature and confidence in the past few minutes, took it upon himself.

‘It was when we first saw you, miss,’ he said. ‘And the way you acted with us. We was all dead impressed and everyone thought, what a shame we’d only get this one chance and if we was to - well, you know - you’d stay as you are and the next time round -’

‘In forty nine years time, you mean?’ I interrupted. He nodded and continued.

‘- in forty nine years time, perhaps, as long as you hadn’t got a complete benny on with us and seeing as it was a bit late for crying over spilt milk -’

‘Milk?’ someone tittered. I shot the line a warning look.

‘- an’ maybe, if we was to all ask you really nicely, an’ offered to do little jobs for you an’ stuff in between times an’ -’ He drew in a breath. He needed to.

‘You thought I might well let you all have another crack at me, is that it?’ Nigel regarded me with rounded eyes and nodded. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing out loud.

‘You lot are bloody priceless, do you know that?’ I put my hands on my hips. The neat leather skirt and white blouse Dolly had found for me leant me a certain air of authority, I thought, little realising that the authority was actually coming from somewhere far deeper inside.

‘I’ll tell you all something, shall I?’ I said. They exchanged furtive, sideways glances and heads began to bob. ‘Well,’ I said, wiping a stray tear from the corner of my eye, ‘when I first heard about all this, I was terrified of the thought. Not just becoming a woman, though god knows - sorry, Aunt Polly the gods know that was enough of a trauma for anyone for one night. No, I was petrified of getting myself shagged witless by a bunch of evil magicians in a dark wood on hallowe’en and if it hadn’t been for Imelda, I could never have gone through with it.

‘Terrified, I was. Shaking in my damned crystal slippers and trying not to make it obvious I was trying to protect what little modesty that dress left me.

‘Terrified?

‘Of you lot?

‘You’re about as terrifying as a warm blancmange. You’re feeble and pathetic and make me ashamed to have ever been male. I might even decide to stay a female.’ There was a general intake of very surprised breath at this revelation.

‘But then again,’ I added, after a suitably dramatic pause, ‘I might not. As for you lot, you wouldn’t make one half ways decent man if you were all added up together. Nigel here has got more decency in him that the lot of you, which is why I’m absolving him from the general punishment. I’ll find something more suitable for him to do as a penance later.’

‘Punishment?’

‘S’what she said.’

‘Ooh, goodie.’

‘Masochist.’

‘Badger -’ There was a soft, but scrunchy sound, as of fist hitting nose and one of the warlocks fell on the carpet, bleeding all over the pile.

‘You’ll bloody clean that up before you go!’ Aunt Holly snapped at him. ‘And the one who hit him. I saw that, Merrivale Northbank and you don’t hit a man for telling the truth. I know all about you and what you get up to down by the river.’

‘Sett in his ways, he is.’ Snigger.

‘Sssshh! Don’t upset her any more.’

‘Any more of this,’ I said, very firmly, ‘and I’ll double the punishment I was intending to give you, understand?’

‘Told you so, didn’t I?’

‘Know-all.’

‘Smart-arse!’

‘Shut the fuck up!’ I screamed. ‘Final fucking warning. Under-fucking-stand?’

Silence. And this time it had the air of something that had returned to stay. For the moment, anyway.

‘Now,’ I said, ‘what’s in the past is in the past and can’t be undone, at least for another year. What I do, or do not do about it is my business and I’ll have to talk it over with the person who means more to me than anyone, or any thing, else in the world. However, because it’s past, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have to be punished.’

‘Fair enough.’

‘Fairy nuff.’

‘Don’t push it, pratt.’

‘And, I’m going to punish you all, believe me. I’m going to make you wish you’d never been born. Apparently, I can have five, is that right, Aunt Holly?’ The old witch nodded, grinning wickedly.

‘Yep,’ she confirmed. ‘Hallowe’en, loss of virginity, plus breach of rules. Five requests. Each,’ she added. They were looking confused now, so I put them in the picture.

‘Each of you,’ I said, ‘with one exception, had sex with me last night and the one exception actually achieved a climax courtesy of me anyway, which apparently, for these purposes, amounts to the same thing.

‘That means,’ I said, really relishing this, ‘that you now have to honour five requests I make of you during the forty eight hours following. So long as those requests don’t actually put your lives in jeopardy, you have to obey. Won’t be able to help yourselves.’

‘Oh shit!’

‘I never knew about that!’

Gasp.

‘She’s kiddin’, innit?’

‘She fuckin’ ain’t. Look at her eyes!’

‘I’d rather look -’

Scrunch!

‘Ow! Waddya hit me for?’

‘For your own good. Shurrup! It was your fuckin’ suggestion in the first place!’

‘Liar!’

‘Yeah? And I am!’

‘BOYS!’ Back came order again. ‘Now,’ I addressed them, ‘whether you knew it or not, whether you knew it and had forgotten about it, I don’t give tuppeny ha’penny fart in an empty bean can. You had your jollies and now it’s pay-up time.

‘So ...’ I deliberately dragged it out. ‘The first penance is that you will all, with the exception, as I said earlier, of Nigel Halfditch, go back down to the clearing, remove all your clothing, form a circle and spend two hours buggering the living daylights out of each other!’

‘Miss!’

‘No, s’not fair.’

‘That’s worse’n a fuckin’ badger!’

‘Ow’d doo node dat?’ between trickles of blood.

‘Life’s not fair,’ I said. ‘Life’s a bitch and now, thanks to you miserable lot, so am I. So get buggering and get your sore arses back here by five this afternoon. I’ll have thought up something for your next penance then, won’t we Immie?’ Imelda was having a great deal of trouble sitting upright in the sofa by this time. She had one hand covering her mouth and the other was clutching her side, as if she was in acute pain, which was probably not far off the truth.

‘Go on!’ I snapped. ‘Move your arses and then shag ‘em! Quick march.

‘As for you, Nigel,’ I said, as they trooped mournfully out, some of them apparently limping in anticipation, ‘go and put the kettle on and that’s not one of the five, right?’ He nodded and slipped out after the end of the line.

‘Excellent as ever, Celeste,’ said Aunt Dolly. Where the hell had she suddenly come from? ‘Priceless, in fact. Feel better now?’

‘Some,’ I said. ‘But there’s something else I have to take care of.’ I looked across at Immie again and she nodded. I turned to Prederghast and crooked my index finger.

‘Outside, you,’ I said, quietly. ‘You and me have got some talking to do. Excuse us, everyone.’ As I turned to follow my lover of the previous night from the room, I caught a last sight of Aunt Holly’s face. Ha! I thought. Rumbled, and you know it!

‘You and Holly aren’t quite what you try to pretend, Pren, are you?’ I said, when we’d walked far enough from the cottage to be out of earshot, which also meant we could now hear a few distant howls and protests filtering through the trees from the direction of the clearing.

 

Go to it, boys!

‘I wondered if you’d guess,’ Pren said. We sat down on a log and he produced a bottle of wine and two crystal glasses - from inside his robe, I think, but I couldn’t be sure.

‘How long have you been -?’

‘Friends?’ he said, pouring a glass and handing it to me. Sheesh, he got that cork out quick enough! ‘I assure you, we were never lovers, sadly. Couldn’t take the risk.’

‘Risk?’ He nodded and sipped from his own glass. Warlocks would make brilliant bartenders - they’re so fast, don’t need a corkscrew, never spill a drop and there’s never any washing up to do afterwards.

‘Of conceiving a child together.’

‘Risk?’ I repeated. He looked glum.

‘I’m a warlock, as you know,’ he said. ‘A very powerful warlock, not like those idiots.’ He jerked a thumb in the direction from which the noises were still coming. ‘And Holly is a very powerful witch, much more so than she lets on.’

‘I’d guessed as much,’ I told him. ‘But not as powerful as Dolly?’

‘Bloody grovelling gremlins,’ he snorted, ‘no way. A fitch is, well, no one knows quite how much power a fitch has and no one wants to be the one to find out.’

‘Is a fitch the most powerful of the lot?’

‘No,’ he said, ‘that’s a sorcerer, or sorceress, which I’m coming to.’ He sipped again. ‘Holly’s no fitch, but she’s powerful enough, right there up in the top bracket, her being the eldest daughter of an eldest daughter, etcetera and all that. Which means,’ he continued, being very deliberate now, ‘that it would be risky for us to have a child.’

‘Why?’

‘Because that child would almost certainly be a sorcerer if a boy, or a sorceress if a girl.’

‘Loads of power?’

‘More than you can imagine,’ he replied. ‘Probably more than even I can imagine.’

‘Is that bad?’

‘Could be,’ he said. ‘No way of knowing. There have been good sorcerers, at least, I remember hearing of one, but that was thousands of years ago and it might only be a rumour. Nearer to the present, the last known sorcerer is, or should I say was, responsible for half of Canada being permanently under ice.’

‘Oh!’ I said. ‘And where’s the sorcerer now.’ Pren grimaced.

‘Under that ice,’ he said. ‘Thank gods. It was a near miss.’

‘Complicated story?’ he nodded.

‘Very. I’ll tell you about it some time, if you like.’

‘I’d like that, yes,’ I said. ‘One thing, though, why are all sorcerers so bad then?’

He sighed. ‘You’ve heard the old saying about absolute power corrupting absolutely?’ he asked. I nodded. Hasn’t everybody.

‘Well, the human who thought that one up was dead right, but he had no conception of what he was really talking about, not the slightest idea of what absolute power really is. Absolute power can tilt the earth on its axis, bring down meteor storms, sink continents.’

‘The Ice Age?’ I asked, beginning to understand what he was getting around to.

‘Yes, all of them,’ he confirmed. ‘Apparently, there have been many more than human geologists realise, some worse than others, of course. And Atlantis. That was a bloody sorceress, that one. Wrong time of the month and poof! all gone.’

‘Ye gods!’ I said.

‘And little fishes,’ he added, with a grin. ‘Anyway, you get the picture now. Holly and I couldn’t risk unleashing that on the world again, so, we took a vow to each other.’

‘A vow?’

‘Yes.’

‘Not like as in -?

‘Marriage, yes,’ he said. ‘Well, sort of. It’s a concept no human could understand, though you’ll learn to know what it means, in time.’

‘You’re about the same age, then?’ I asked. He looked so much younger than Holly.

‘Give or take ten years,’ he said.. ‘Warlocks age a bit slower, that’s all.’ Could he read minds as well?

‘So,’ I said, ‘that all brings me to what I was going to ask you and I want the truth.’

‘You’ll get the truth,’ he said. ‘Five non life threatening requests, remember?’

‘That applies to you, too?’

‘Uh-huh. No exceptions.’ He looked at me and I shook my head.

‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘I wouldn’t. Not unless you upset me.’

‘Well,’ he began again and the glasses were full once more, ‘I know what you’re driving at. If I’m so much in love with Holly, why would I throw them out of the woods and thus kill them all, her included?’

‘Yes, exactly,’ I said.

‘No choice,’ he said. ‘Out of my hands. The pact, the bargain, call it what you will, was drawn up back before anyone can remember. Not even when I was a lad was there anyone alive who could remember anyone who was alive when it was made and no one knows why it was made anyway.’

‘Isn’t it in that rule book?’

‘No,’ he said, ‘it’s the one thing that the original authors neglected to include and so no one ever bothered asking.’

‘Apart from you and Holly?’

‘Yes,’ he said, ‘and it took us ‘til just after the last forty-niner to realise there was something we could do about it. We’d all been as blind as our forefathers and mothers, just following the rules, like good little witches and warlocks, because, if we didn’t, there’s a distinct chance the consequences would be, well, we didn’t want to find out. There are some things about magic that are best left undisturbed.’

‘I see. And getting me pregnant somehow helped?’ I asked, genuinely intrigued now.

‘Helped?’ he echoed. ‘It’s the whole point. We weren’t supposed to get you pregnant and we did.’

‘Ah!’ I said. Per-link! ‘You broke the bloody rules.’

‘In spades!’ he said, triumphantly.

‘And that means -’

‘- the pact becomes null and void,’ he finished. We stared at each other.

‘But that means,’ I began again, ‘that your twelve dumbos over there wouldn’t have got their precious second crack at me next time around anyway!’ He nodded.

‘What they don’t know won’t fuzz up their already jumbled little heads,’ he said. ‘They’re a pretty thick bunch, as you’ve seen, even for warlocks - everyday, common-or-garden warlocks, that is.’

‘Of which you’re not one, obviously,’ I smiled.

‘Obviously.’ He smiled back.

‘So what happens now?’ I asked, after several seconds of silence. ‘And did Holly know all about this?’

‘It was her spell that put the idea into the lads’ heads,’ he said.

‘Thought as much,’ I muttered. ‘Old witch!’

‘Can’t help what she was born as,’ Pren laughed. ‘And, when you get to know her better, you’ll come to understand what a damned fine person she is. She drinks, smokes and swears and was a bit of a goer in her time, but -’

‘But wasn’t she sort of married to you?’

‘And still is,’ he said. ‘Us lot do that sort of thing for life, I thought you knew. But celibacy ain’t necessarily in the contract, especially in a case like ours, when we couldn’t - well, not with one another, if you know what I mean?’

‘So you made up for it elsewhere?’

‘You bet,’ he grinned. ‘Both of us.’ He paused.

‘And in answer to your first question, Celeste, the pact is now finally gone, a thing of the past. No more trying to find a virgin witch -’

‘Which is like trying to find a needle in a -’

‘You’ve got the idea,’ he said. ‘And no more having to find some poor innocent little fairy and put her through all that crap.’

‘You put me through it,’ I pointed out. He shrugged, apologetically.

‘No option,’ I’m afraid, he said. ‘I hope you’ll be able to understand - some day.’

‘I think I already do,’ I said. ‘No hard feelings. It could have been a bit tragic, if they’d failed to find their virgin in time for next time.’

‘More than tragic. Halfditch was right,’ he said, patting my knee. ‘You’re a damned good sport.’ He paused again and looked up at the sky, just visible in blue patches between branches that were now losing their leaves faster and faster.

‘Are you going to change back next year?’ he asked. My turn to shrug.

‘Don’t know,’ I admitted. ‘Probably. Apparently, according to Immie, I can always revert to being Celeste on a temporary basis, once this particular problem has been put right.’

‘You make a damned good female,’ he said. ‘Hope you don’t mind my saying that?’

‘My pleasure,’ I said.

‘Mine, too,’ he grinned. We fell silent again.

‘Pren,’ I said, after a while, ‘Immie said, earlier, when we were on our own in the bedroom ...’

‘Yes?’

‘She said that, if I wanted, I could, during this next year, like, well, you know?’

He nodded. ‘Have sex with me again, you mean?’

‘Uh-huh.’

‘Do you want to?’

‘Not sure. Oh bugger, yes, of course I do, but that worries me.’

‘Because of Immie?’

‘Naturally. Who else?’

‘A good girl, that one,’ he murmured. He hesitated. ‘Let me try to explain,’ he said, at last. ‘Part of the spell I used on you last night, which got mixed up with Holly’s potion - yes, quite deliberately, before you ask - part of that will remain until you change back. Can’t do anything about it.

‘Immie knows that as surely as she knows that you can only love her and would have to remain totally faithful if she demanded it of you.’

‘Did she know about yours and Holly’s little plan as well?’

‘No,’ he said, very firmly. ‘Neither did Polly or Dolly. Just the two of us in on it. Though I reckon Dolly probably got to know anyway. She’s got ways none of us know about, that lady.’

‘Yes,’ I said, softly. ‘You were saying,’ I prompted, ‘about Immie?’

‘Yes, well Immie knows you’re stuck in a body that has certain needs. There are certain things you girls can do quite happily between you -’

‘Diddle-diddle,’ I muttered. Immie had already started my re-education.

‘- but that lovely body of yours is going to want, um, well -’

‘Cock?’ I suggested, very sweetly.

‘Erum, herumph, well, yes, if you want to put it like that.’

‘Are you sure about that? Me needing it.’

‘I reckon you can answer that question for yourself, missy,’ he said, smiling lopsidedly. I felt myself blushing.

‘So,’ I said, not looking at him now, ‘I’ll be seeing you before next Hallowe’en, then?’

‘If you want me, just whistle,’ he said.

‘That’s a very old line from a very old film,’ I said.

‘And I’m a very old warlock,’ he retorted. ‘Don’t forget that.’

‘Well, I think we’ve said all that needs being said,’ I said.

‘Yes.’

‘Apart from-’

‘Yes?’

‘When shall we two meet again?’ I suggested, grinning.

‘Like I said,’ he whispered. ‘Just whistle when you want me.’

I smiled.

And began to wet my lips.

THE BEGINNING ...

... AND THE END?

But the end, folks, is a matter between Simon/Celeste, Imelda, Prenderghast and the three witches. I’m sure we all hope that everything will be fine and that they’ll all live happily ever after, even the twelve warlocks.

The likelihood is that they will, because magic has a way of rewarding goodness and honesty. Okay, the twelve of them weren’t very honest, but then Holly’s spell had a part to play in that and you can be sure that Celeste had made very, very certain that they’d seen the error of their ways. There were still four more penances to go, don’t forget!

And there we’ll draw a veil, as the saying goes, but one final word of warning.

Just in case any of you are getting just a teensie weensie bit envious of Simon/Celeste, don’t go getting any ideas of trying to find those witches. Not that you probably could, ’cause witches can be as elusive as fairies and they like their peace and quiet and you only get to find them when they want you to find them. Like when you’re a beer delivery driver.

And cognac.

And Guiness.

And those great big, juicy mushrooms that only grow ...

Oh, what am I on about? Just don’t do it. No matter how much the thought might tempt you, just don’t go down to the woods today. Some woods really are full of surprises and not all of them work out to be nice ones!

* * * * *

 

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