"Prepare yourself, you know it's a must....Gonna recommend you to the Spirit in the sky." -- Norman Greenbaum

 

 

A Life Ever Changing

#11 - Spirit in the Sky

by Angel

 

I looked around the room and I had a million questions none of which I could put into words just then. Aunt Harriet said, "I know what you are thinking Ricky, we set up a full length mirror in the kitchen. Why don't you come with us and we will show you something that might surprise you."

(OH FRAPST!)....

I raised my voice then, something I rarely ever do. I said, "WAIT! This is too much for me right now I need more time! I need to talk some more and really understand this. I may appear calm to you, but I am far from calm! I am really confused."

In a calmer tone I continued, "Please, let us start at the beginning and go over this again. Don't you realize what this is doing to me? What you and others have said about me? What all this really means? I have one real close friend and I will lose her, I know it! The Nelsons are the only other family that I can rely on for help and understanding. What will they think of me? No matter what you promise me, this will get out! People will find out what I really am and that is a boy. The reasons I might do this will not matter! I am considered a geek and mama's boy now! You see? The reasons don't matter to anyone else but us."

I wiped away some of the tears that were still falling from my eyes and down my cheeks. I looked at each one of them in the eyes deeply. I tried to read what they thought and felt. I noticed all three had tears as well. THEY KNEW what was being asked of me! But, did they truly understand the very high price I was going to have to pay? I didn't think so, because I didn't even really know! I had to really understand this and I hoped they had the answers.

I prayed to God silently and with all my heart and soul for His guidance and help. (Funny how this thought just popped in my mind at that very nana-second!) What popped into my head was this. "In truth God is not a he or a she. God is the perfection of both and more, all in one being." Man in his twisted wisdom decided to call God a He! Why? Because males ruled the world! Because males decided if they called God a She, the awesome power God has would be diminished in mankind's eyes. Could not mankind see the folly in this thinking?

OH FRAPST!

Is the truth in reality to be a balance of both sexes? Being neither all male, nor all female? To find the balance each human being has within them, to be both sexes at one time? Is this what true equality is? To be truly equal in each other's eyes, we must be equal within our own selves first?

Thank you God, for your very quick response!

I looked up again and said, "I prayed for help and I got it! Let me tell you what I think the answer to my prayer is." So then I told them what just happened within my heart and mind. I felt very calm and even relieved! The stress melted away like snow on a warm sunny morning. I felt at peace and was ready to discuss the sacrifices and the true price I must pay if I chose to do this thing. I already knew what the benefits would be. I added one more benefit. A better understanding of my true self and what I should be and what I could offer others. "To truly offer someone equality, you must first be equal within yourself."

I stood up then and headed to the kitchen. My mother, Mrs. Brown and Aunt Harriet just stood there following me with their eyes and their mouths open.

The women came into the kitchen a few minutes later. What they had talked about during that time I do not know. I was busy thanking God and pondering what was coming next. I noticed my mom went to the junk drawer and took out a pad and pen. She looked at me and smiled, with tears in her eyes and started writing. Aunt Harriet was wiping her eyes with one hand and held a suitcase in her other hand, she laid it on the table. Mrs. Brown came in last and asked me, "You sure, you are only 16?"

I did not know how to answer her, so I just nodded and said, "Yup."

She shook her head and looked at the other's saying, "We made the right decision." (WHAT?)

 

My mom was still busy writing whatever it was. My Aunt uncovered a full length mirror that she opened up which made it into 3 mirrors. Mrs. Brown came over to me and gave me a big strong hug! She even kissed me on the cheek! MY BOSS! GEEZ! My eyes got real big and she just laughed. Mrs. Brown said, "I have to go to my facility for a few minutes. I have a few things to pick up that I know we will need tonight." She told us she would be right back.

My mom and Harriet looked at her and my mom smiled saying, "Yes, we will need everything tonight!" Harriet then opened up the suitcase, but the insides of the top and bottom parts had covers so I could not see what was in it yet. My mother had stopped writing and came over to me and had me sit down.

She gave me a big hug and a kiss on my forehead. She then held both of my hands in hers, looked deeply in my eyes and said, "Any thoughts I had of doubting your ability and understanding of this are gone. The way you answered your own questions proved to all of us that we were right in believing in you. You showed you understood far more than we had expected and you taught us a valuable lesson as well. That real equality means to share more than we do now. We must share our thoughts and feelings to. I will no longer treat you as just my son. I will treat you as my daughter as well."

(What? Now I was very surprised hearing that! How could she really treat me like her daughter? No way. She must mean within reason or with some limitations. I have seen what mothers do with their daughters. I have an idea of what private things they share with each other. I could just imagine what questions a daughter might ask and the answers a mother might give them. No, I think I know what she means.)

"I should have realized this earlier. The bond you have with your sister is much more than just as a brother. You are much more than that to her and she knows it. You are a mother, father, brother and sister to her, all wrapped in one package. I have seen this many times, I just never realized what I was seeing until you said what you did." With that said, she hugged and kissed me again.

Aunt Harriet told me to stand up then, so I did. She told me to raise both my arms up in the air and I did that. My mom and her took a hold of my shirt and pulled it up and off of me. They then took hold of and removed my undershirt. My mother then held out my new robe and as I slid my arms in to the sleeves, she put it on me and left it open.

Aunt Harriet undid my belt and pulled my slacks down to my knees and told me to sit. She said, "We have to start from scratch to do this right. We were only going to show you with these clothes how comfortable they can be and with some well-done make up, how much of a girl your face would look like. After what you said and told us you believe we changed our minds. We are going to show you what you will look like as a teenaged girl." (WHAT? Oh my God! I'm not ready for this. I thought they were just going show me what I looked like and try to convince me I COULD look like a girl! I figured they might try some make-up, but not to transform me into a girl tonight! OH FRIPSY!)

Now I started to think about what Mrs. Brown might be getting at her facility that she said we would need for tonight. It started to fall into place then. That is what they must have decided when they stayed in the living room for so long. What my mother and Harriet said and did after that. Okay, I understand now!

I looked into the mirror and laughed! I said to them, "You really have a lot of work to do to make over that thing," (as I pointed to myself in the mirror) "into a decent looking girl." I kept laughing softly and shaking my head.

I continued with describing the impossible task as I said to them, "I am just shy of 6 feet tall. How many teenage girls do you know that are 6 feet tall? I weigh 165 lbs and it's not fat. My shape is that of a well-muscled boy, not as an in-shape girl. I don't have the hips or butt of a girl and my hands are wider and bigger than a girl's." I thought some more and added, "You women also have beautiful breasts that I lack as well."

My mom and Aunt both answered at the same time saying the same thing, "Are you through?" I HATE IT WHEN THEY DO THAT!

"Yes, and I suppose you have solutions?" I answered.

OF COURSE THEY DID! OH FRAPST!

As they continued to undress me Harriet started to chuckle and then so did my mom. This turned into real laughter and I stared at them real hard until they stopped. My mom apologized and said, "Honey, we are women don't you agree? We know what girls and boys look like and the differences between the two. There are also many differences within the genders as well. An example is when you are in the showers after gym class. Do the boys all look the same?"

She waited for my answer so I said, "No, there are big differences between them."

My mom continued, "It is the same with girls, Honey! We all develop at different speeds. Some of us develop more slowly than others and some much faster. You can't tell me you never noticed this at school?"

I answered her, "I noticed that, Mom, but I did not give it much thought before you just mentioned it."

My mom smiled and Harriet said, "Ricky, thank you for complimenting me on my breasts, but have you looked at yours closely?" (WHAT?) She can't be meaning...

I immediately looked at my breasts then and looked for some difference. My mom laughed and said to Harriet, "He didn't notice his lack of an Adams apple why do you think he would notice his breasts?" (WHAT?)

Now this was getting too much! I didn't notice anything different about my breasts! They sure didn't look like a teenage girls breasts and were a far cry different than theirs! (Of course I had never seen their breasts uncovered.) I had seen them both in bras and panties before. I had never seen them nude. I must explain this I guess huh?

Okay, when we go out together to do something like to an amusement park or for an all day outing, we have a plan of attack. We use the seven P's. Remember them? It is much easier to shower and put on our underwear and robes to get everything together before we get completely dressed. This way, we will look clean and fresh in our clothes when we leave. No wrinkles or accidental spills or stains.

The two little ones are put into diapers and dressed. Terry always wears a cute party dress with her crinolines (petticoats). Her diapers don't show that way and she doesn't mind them if we dress her this way. She loves her party dresses with petticoats! (No diapers, no crinolines!)

Jerry is mentally handicapped and needs them for all day outings. We dress him in his favorite baggy overalls, which have his favorite cartoon characters on patches. We feed them make the picnic stuff and then we get dressed and pack the station wagon. Well, sometimes it's real hot! So we don't wear our robes. (My Aunt Harriet practically lives at our house.) Simple! Okay?

So I am still looking down at my chest and Harriet says, "Look at your nipples, Honey. What do you see?"

I did and saw nipples, so? "What?" I asked.

My mom then jumped in and asked me, "Ricky, a few months ago you came to me after you took a shower and told me your chest was sore, remember?"

I said, "Yes, but that was my chest not just my nipples."

She looked at me and added, "Honey, what size were your nipples then?" Oh FRIPSY!!!!!!

They were smaller! I remember now! My nipples really don't stick out that much, but they are bigger around than they were! FRAPST and double FRAPST! I looked at them both back and forth several times with what must have been utter terror etched on my face. I asked them both at once, "Am I developing women's breasts?" OH NO!!!

Harriet jumped in and said, "No dear, you will not develop women's breasts! Remember your mom had me take you to Doctor Purnell the next day?"

I remembered. "She took a lot of blood for tests remember? She also gave you a thorough and complete physical, which I remember you didn't like too much." She chuckled then.

My mom jumped in at this point and said, "The results of those tests and the physical showed you have a higher amount of estrogen in your system than most boys. Not enough to make you a girl, but more than enough to set you apart from most boys. You see, your testicles produce enough testosterone, which is the male hormone, to balance them both out. There are other things about your body you have not noticed either. What you believe you see is not really true."

What? Oh no, now this is getting to be a little too much!

Just then someone rang the doorbell. This time nobody was going to be "saved by the bell."

It was Mrs. Brown. My mom hollered to her, "In here Grace, we are telling him about the results of all the tests and were just about to tell him what was found during the physical." (The physical? What about the physical?)

While my mother was talking Grace walked in and she was carrying a large cloth bag with a shoulder strap. (Like a duffle bag, but nicer looking.) She also was carrying a large book. Mrs. Brown said, "Great, I have everything else we needed right here. I also found a book that will show Ricky what we mean and what he can expect in the future." Well that was good news to me! Some answers with proof in pictures!

Now picture this, I was down to just wearing the panties and open robe by now. They have removed everything else and I did not even notice I was so intent on the new information I was being fed. I sat down looking at them, one to the other, back and forth, trying to put all of this new information in order and trying to accept it. It seems there is still a war going on inside me between my male and female halves! Especially in my head! I kept asking myself the same question. What am I?

My mom hollered at me then. She said, "RICKY!" real loud and I came back to earth and looked at her. She continued, "Now that you are with us again I wanted you to hear about what was found during your physical. This is also why we thought you could do this change. Marjorie (Dr. Purnell) found more than a few differences with you."

* * * * *

Now the ladies were doing things and talking while I was lost in thought, big time! DEEP THOUGHT! I was not aware of anything that was going on around me other than some movement and unrecognizable sounds.

I went over it all again to gain perspective and hopefully retain my sanity. I admitted to myself that I was different than most boys. Okay, I can deal with that. I am enough of a boy with my own production of testosterone to keep me, at least while covered, looking like one.

I do not look like a girl or so I thought before the latest news! At least I do not look like a teenage girl! What do I have that is different? I have no Adams apple, like girls. Okay, I have larger nipples than boys, but I do not have breasts like teenage girls.

Okay, without thinking I walked up to the mirrors and shrugged off my robe. I really looked at myself from head to toe then. I mean I really looked at myself! I started with my hair. I took out the ponytail and fluffed out my hair. Damn!

Then I took in my face. I looked at my nose and then my cheeks and my chin. No hair growing on my face like the other boys my age. Not even peach fuzz! I looked at my lips they were full and looked soft. I smiled at my reflection and looked at my teeth white and straight. I looked into my own eyes, hazel eyes. They held my own gaze. Changing colors flashed within them. I looked at my lashes, full and long curving upward and the lower lashes curling down.

I looked at my neck, slim, muscled and smooth. I looked at my shoulders sleek, muscled and broad. I looked at my chest and saw large pink nipples slightly raised from my breasts. I looked at my breasts they were tight and firm. I reached up and touched them feeling the muscles underneath hard and un-yielding. I touched my nipples and saw them stiffen, harden and push themselves outward toward my touch. Oh, so sensitive, I felt my own fingers causing sensations radiate inward and down. I then looked at my stomach trim, tight and the muscles clearly outlined against my skin. Ribs outlined my abdomen, clearly seen and hard.

I looked at my waist drawn tight separating my hips. I looked at my hips, clearly wider than my waist. I turned to view my buttocks. I pulled down the panties and looked hard at them. They were full and round, but tight and firm. I tightened them and saw the muscles bulge and show themselves.

I turned again and looked at my sex. A slight fuzz of hair growing above what I hoped was an average sized penis soft and flaccid. My scrotum, full, smooth and soft no hair growing there either. I looked at my legs smooth with a slight fuzz of hair growing in spots here and there. I tightened them and saw the muscles show themselves clearly. I looked at my feet and toes size 8 regular. I saw what I saw and I acknowledged my differences. I now knew what I was. Within and without I was me! To hell with all the rest! This is what I am! My true self is what lies within and without as one not separate and apart, but together as a whole!

I looked around in the mirrors and slowly became aware of three people looking at me closely. They were sitting at the kitchen table and smiling.

I smiled back and said, "This is me. This is what I am." No shame, no embarrassment, this is who I am. I turned to face them, my back towards the mirrors. I said, "I understand now, this is just a part of the whole. What I do with the outside must match what I do from the inside. I am neither a boy nor a girl, but some of both. They must be equal in my own eyes, body, soul and mind."

My mom slipped my robe back on me and tied the sash. She then hugged me and kissed me, a mother's loving kiss on my lips. Harriet and Grace did the same. I felt whole and complete in a way.

I still lacked much needed knowledge of what it is like growing up as a girl. It was something I never knew or experienced. I had grown up different, more boy than girl. I still needed to know, I never had been a daughter or sister. I needed to know what they knew and felt. As much as I could I had to experience what they experienced. Half of me was ignorant to the ways of life I needed to be whole in mind as well as body. I HAD TO KNOW! I HAD TO EXPERIENCE! I HAD TO LEARN!...

 

 

 

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