The Story of Sissy

by Lady Katherine

 

`You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.'

`Perhaps it hasn't one,' Alice ventured to remark.

`Tut, tut, child!' said the Duchess. `Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.'

 

The harvest that fall was the largest in many memories. It soon turned into a hard winter. For a small town that loved gossip and scandal no one talked about the rape. Finally people stopped looking at me in that condescending attitude or was it my own shame and embarrassment that projected that look? When I think now on that day my feelings become confused. Buford Pucket was dead he would never harm me or anyone else. I found out I was not his first victim. Buford Pucket only hunted me in my nightmares. So I thought I needed to get on with my life. Things are done differently now but not back then.

Mary and Aunt Pat by this time had grown accustomed to my nightmares. I did have to go to the doctor, I really had been injured by Buford after all. But Aunt Pat hushed it up. I have no idea how much she influenced the town but she has a great deal of power there.

So despite bad memories of that fall I went on with my life in the winter. In many respects I was lucky I knew I would not get pregnant from Buford. I could not imagine that possibility of a women's life. Aunt Pat was right I could not resist small babies I wanted to hold them and caress them as much as I wanted to wear dresses. But that baby would be not of love but an act of hate. Could I love it as much if I saw my attacker in his eyes? Fortunately I would not have to answer that question in my odd life. Despite all I had gone through I still could not hide from the feeling that my birth labeled me a freak, a mutilated body in this Christian society. That even in this good valley there were some people who would stone me even after all I had done for them. Not all here would certainly, but enough.

Mary's baby came one cold spring night. We birthed her in Aunt Pats home. Despite my warnings Mary insisted her Elisabeth Carol mark me as well as her. So she would comfortable with either of our scents. When I asked, Mary would just say you never know when it would come in handy. We were raising the two babies together Mary and I. Aunt Pat teased that the two girls my have lost a father but gained two mothers. I did love to care for them. You are their whole world to them. It is such a wonderful experience. Fathers no matter how loving never get to experience the intimacy a mother does. How sad I thought for them. How grateful I was not to have missed this in my life. Looking back I wished I had been born a girl then I could have shared this with my mother and all the many sweet things to come between mother and daughter. I could be sound asleep oblivious to anything short of a nuclear explosion yet have one of them stir and I was instantly awake. I could tell when they cried what they wanted. There was the I am alone and I am scared cry. The I am hungry cry. The I don't feel well cry. They even had different personalities Margaret Ann was aggressive she wanted to explore and was scared of nothing. Elisabeth Carol was shy with strangers she needed reassuring from one of her mother's before she did anything. But she smiled so easily. I found myself happily sitting on our front porch swing with other women talking about baby experiences and bouncing one of the girls on my knee. I was happy and why not? What does a animal born in a cage really know of freedom? What did I know of being a male? So why should I miss it. Why did that question haunt me? Would it be better if these women knew I was born a male and didn't care? Would I tell my husband when he came home? Would I tell my children? Would I have children? Would Dick Clark ever grow old?

The arrival of Diane was a looked for event, at least by me. The Gipple place was re-furnished according to Aunt Pats tastes. The old rustic place looked almost pretentious now with all the things that changed it from a crude sturdy farm house to a gracious verandah in circled house. We met Diane and David at the station she greeted me with "oh Aunt Sissy!" She ran to me and hugged. When we got to the house Aunt Pat worked so had on. Aunt Pat pushed Diane and I into the parlor and had Bonnie serve tea while Aunt Pat took David upstairs to unpack.

"Well I said I never thought I would be an Aunt."

"Make you feel old does it laughed Diane. Oh but this way Aunt Sissy we get to talk about dresses and men."

"Well I never thought when I baby sat you that we would be here sitting in your house talking about our husbands."

"I know dearest Sissy you have been through a lot. I wish I had known your mother would make you a girl. I could have helped. I should have known at your last birthday party when you wore that dress and your mother let you that you were going to do this. My god what a scandal that was you could have brought a known killer to the party and it would have been less controversial. You were much too serious and pretty for it to be a joke."

"It did cause a fight didn't it? It was the first time I put on a dress for the family, at least fathers Arcadia side of the family."

"Sissy your mother married a Cajun remember. And I am a part of that family."

"OK Cajun then. But I don't think you're a part of that family's blood line. I say that because there is a portrait in the library at Aunt Pat's house I think you should look at."

"Why?"

"Because it looks like you Diane I said."

"Somebody painted my portrait Sissy?"

"It's a portrait of Aunt Pat's great great grandmother. She looks just like you. Same noise same eyes even the way you hold your head."

"How can that be Sissy?"

"Blood, Aunt Pat claims you have the old Steward blood as strong as I do, not Cajun."

"Who was this woman I am supposed to look like?'

"Well on that you might be shocked. You see she was supposed to be a witch."

"Oh you're kidding Sissy. One that goes around flying on broom sticks she giggled."

"She was what they call a white witch using white or good magic."

"What happened to her Sissy?"

"She was hunted down and killed."

"Killed! Oh my God. Who killed her?"

"The people in the land where she lived, they thought it was their duty to save her from the devil."

"Well I am glad they don't kill witches any more."

"No the society's hate is for freaks like me now. They would kill me, some of them, and claim it an act of God."

"No Sissy your a women now your not gay or a cross dresser or anything like that."

"I was born a male to some people that alone would be enough to seal my fate. I can't escape from what I was Diane. I know that now."

"I am not going to let you talk like that. Sissy you were always acting like a girl. Father always used to bitch how his little brother was so effeminate."

"I know! You should have seen what he did on those fishing trips. He brought live bate each time on purpose. I just could not bring my self to put the hook through the little fish. I would let the fish go and use a bare hook. When he found out I got beaten again."

"Oh I know Sissy. It is discussing that poor little fish all it wanted to do was live. I couldn't do it either but I had my sex on my side so he just smiled and did it for me. I still felt so sorry for the tiny fish. ...... Aunt Sissy I want to say how sorry I am to hear about what happened with that Pucket person. I know how you feel. I really do!"

"How could you? You would have to be .... Oh no is that what you are saying?"

"That I was raped in my last year of high school."

"What!"

"I didn't go with David all the time Aunt Sissy. I used to go with another boy and one night he held me and raped me."

"I didn't know. I am so sorry dear how come I never heard of it Diane?"

"That is women's stuff according to dad so I was not to tell any one especially males of the family. They would think I was damaged goods. Fortunately there are places that help and I found one."

"How is that possible that ... well the two of us I mean.... "

"Possible! How is it not? a women is raped every 58 seconds in this country by someone she knows. And 89% of the rapes go unreported and ..... and I think you are one of the 89% aren't you?'

"What are you saying Diane?"

"I talked to Aunt Pat she does not believe you that he did not get a chance for penetration. From the way you acted he had to have raped you produce those reactions and your injury. He raped you didn't he?"

"All right yes! I said tears began to stream down my cheeks. It brought up all the old pain. I could not stop him I tried so hard."

'It is not your fault Sissy what ever happened it is not your fault. I had to learn that also. But why oh why didn't you say something."

'I couldn't! I saw the way Larry Freeborn looked at me. I felt so dirty I could not let him know Diane."

"You kept this in, all this time?"

"Nancy knows but we don't talk about it. We don't talk much any more since that time. She has a scar from where he hit her and he knocked out one of her teeth. She is dealing with it the best way she can. Tom has been difficult at times."

"Men are so stupid Sissy. Sometimes they think we cause the rape by what we wear but it is not about sex at all it's about power and control. I hope she can work it out."

"Aunt Pat is counseling her and if anyone can help it is Aunt Pat. She is the best brain of anyone I know."

It was a good spring and Nancy did come around after Aunt Pat's visits to Tom and Nancy. So we all could smile again. Between the three of us we had five kids to care for. Diane was a frequent visitor and Tom gratefully sought out David's male companionship Aunt Pats house was a den of petticoats and lace and I was now forever encased in that realm. I was now firmly in the girls side of this family. But I couldn't dwell on it for to long before I had a baby pulling on my hair. One day when we were sitting on the porch. We started talking about the portrait.

"You are right Sissy she does look like that painting in the library said Mary."

"Well I have heard so much about that panting can I see it replied Diane."

"Let's all go and see it I said."

"Mary, Diane, Nancy and I all marched into the library followed by Aunt Pat. There at the far end of the room was a large fire place. Above the mantle was a panting of a woman."

"It does look like me exclaimed Diane."

"I recognized your face Diane when we met at the funeral I was struck by the resemblance said Aunt Pat."

"Who was she? And was she really a witch asked Mary?"

"Her name was Lady Katherine of Avon she is my great, great grandmother said Aunt Pat."

"Was she a witch asked Nancy?"

"She was accused of being one and persecuted as one. But she was, I think, just a wise women. She was a midwife and an alchemist. Her whole life was dedicated to life and relieving the pain of others she used the knowledge of healing plants and herbs to heal her people not magic. For this they hunted her down and killed her replied Aunt Pat."

"They were stupid ignorant people. Thank goodness I do not live in her time said Mary."

"You should be grateful Mary since you are a midwife."

"Aunt Pat waked over to the shelves of books and pulled it out a large book bound in old leather. She opened it up to certain marked pages.

The Malleus Malificarum states "no one does more harm to the catholic faith than midwives" and again "If a woman dare to cure than she is a witch and must die smiled Aunt Pat."

"It was this book that killed my great Aunt Katherine."

"Dear god! We would all be killed as witches like her exclaimed Nancy!"

"Yes Nancy we would be called a coven and surly you three "the three sisters" would be killed replied Aunt Pat."

"It is so freighting I exclaimed! Father called you a witch Aunt Pat because you helped cure the people with the fever didn't he?"

"Yes he believes I really am a witch. He has called me that since he married my sister. He thinks we hold sessions up in the attic room. But Like the devil he mixes lies with truth."

"He said you were in league with the devil."

"Yes he did accuse me in public Sissy. Said Aunt Pat but it is a lie, who has done evil I ask you? I judge people like I do my trees, by what they produce. I water my trees and give them all the nourishment they need to grow good tasting peaches. But if one of them produces bad tasting apples. I can't sell those peaches nor do I want that tree to taint the rest of my trees so I cut that tree down and replant. Because I know it is not the soil or the water that has made the peaches bad."

"How strange she is pointing to peach trees in the paintings as well, remarked Mary."

Sissy don't you have a copy of that pendent she is wearing exclaimed Diane!"

"No! Sissy's pendent is not a copy Diane. Sissy's pendent is the same one that Lady Katherine is wearing answered Aunt Pat."

"But Mrs. Waverly that women lived so long ago said Nancy."

"She lived in the year 1459 and the pendent was old when she wore it. It has been handed down by blood lines ever since but I will speak of it no more Aunt Pat said firmly."

"Why are people so cruel Aunt Pat I asked?"

"Hate is an odd thing, she said. it's like asking why are some people blonde? Some are born that way some make themselves that way. In the end it does not really matter which. The result is the same. As for Lady Katherine we women are always required to take a submissive role in society. When we do not there is a penalty we must pay. Just being different could be the cause of hate."

"That is a chilling belief Mrs. Waverly. Yet how far have we really progressed from the days of Lady Katherine replied Nancy."

"Perhaps we have not gone as far as we thought I said."

Babies have a way of filling ones life to the point were they become your whole life. Men wisely stay away from the nitty gritty of baby raising Tom would do his part in the late night baby care of course. He would turn over and wake Nancy to care for the three boys. It worked for him. With Mary and I It was more diplomatic, being two women we took turns one day the girls would be in my room the next they would be in Mary's room. This guaranteed at least one nights sleep out of two. Things had settled down to a routine again. Of course that's when things change.

I got a letter from the government again and also a package. In the letter they told me they found Frank alive and he would be coming home. The package was a pile of letters they had never posted, the bastards. But who cared, the important thing was Frank was alive and he was coming home. My first reaction to the news was joy but then how was I going to break it to Mary I felt like I was a dog with a bone poor Mary had none. I felt so sorry for her.

She took the news well. But then she was never the jealous type. It was decided to have Mary stay with Aunt Pat. I would of course go with Frank to our house. I would be leaving all my stability with Aunt Pat and Mary plus the kids. I would miss them very much. But I would have to make a new life with Frank it was a thrilling thought and also one very scary. All the girls I knew when I was young would dream of the day when they would marry and live with a man as his wife and companion. I loved Frank and even accepted sex from him. Then why was I so apprehensive? At tea the next afternoon Aunt Pat brought up the subject.

"Well I guess it is time to give my new bride the mother daughter talk said Aunt Pat."

"Aunt Pat I have been married all this time why now."

"Because you are going to begin a new life with a man and up until this point you have lived with females and your father is not the kind of man I would say represented the whole male race."

"Is that why you sent Mary and Bonnie out to the store?"

"I thought it would be better to have this discussion privately."

What am I going to do I have never thought about sharing a house with a man I have I played house when I was a child with the Nash kids but I was the father. Well a few of the times. At least until they decided I would be nicer in dresses.

Playing house doesn't help believe me dear after two husbands I know. It is a whole different story when you share your bedroom and bathroom with a man. They take things differently. For them marriage and living with a women is having someone to come home to, someone to keep the house, clean and cook their meals, and take care of the kids. Someone to then provide him with love and sex.

"What do I get out of this?"

"You get love, a home, children and someone to protect you. But marriage is not like a business deal Sissy you get this and I get that. Frank is a good man he will take good care of you. Just give him a little room! Men need that. You both have to work out your relationship with each other that you both are comfortable with. Each of you give all of what you can. You give 60% and he gives 60 % and it will work out."

"Aunt Pat that is bad math I giggled."

"Yes but I found it makes a good marriage. This is kind of funny because even though you were born a boy you have been in skirts most of your life and been in the company of so few men. You had women who showed you what they knew, the female things. So you haven't a clue about men have you?"

"If you mean do I know why they do things. Well I didn't have a clue as to why even boys did things, I just pretended."

"Yes we finally caught on to what was happening. Your mother was told to look for the signs. When you where born."

"I remember a conversation you had with mother about that."

"Don't go and blame your mother. You were a male at birth or close enough to be unmistakably called one and a minor operation completed that. It happens all the time. My sister always blamed herself for dressing you as a little girl when you were young and that cute girl's bedroom she made for you. But you seemed to like it and we thought it didn't really matter you were so young. But we had no idea how much it really affected you until we found out how you dressed socially at the tender age of 12."

"You mean the Nash girls again. I wonder if they remember encouraging me to wear their dresses."

"I bet they do Sissy. I know I would. It probably affected them as much as it did you in their relationships with men. But it is their mother that I am surprised at. She actually saw you in her daughter's dresses and said nothing."

"Yes that is right Aunt Pat. We would have lunch and there I would be in a dress along with her girls and she said nothing. She even fixed my hair in ribbons a few times. But she treated me like one of her girls."

"Well Sissy her husband left her after twenty years of marriage. She hated all men. That's why she kept her girls away from any males. Perhaps that is the reason she never said to anybody you were in dresses. Or it just could be that she saw the deep changes in your personality when you were in a dress. I don't know how I feel about your David. She actually let this puppy love thing go on in front of her knowing you were a boy dressed as a girl."

"He was my first love."

"You didn't know what love was then. When your mother found his love letters to you. That really shook her up. At first we thought that it was an affair between two boys but then we read the letters more carefully and realized David was writing to what he thought was a girl. I don't know what upset your mother more thinking you wanted to be gay or you wanting to be a woman. Either way your father would have killed you and put her in the hospital if she let him find out about it."

"Aunt Pat if it means living like mother did with dad then I am so scarred I don't want to do this."

"That's what I wanted to talk with you about girl. Your father was a brute. Even before the wedding he was hitting my sister. If I had known it he would have never married my sister. But she didn't tell me. If Frank ever does that to you I want you to tell me lady. But I don't think he will. You can't judge all men by your father. Most men are gentle kind persons. Impossible to live with some times but that is because they do not see things or react to things like we do. You can't judge them by your standards you think like a woman because you have different things motivating you than he does."

"Aunt Pat I just want to say I understand now what you were trying to tell me on the front porch swing that night. I have been so stupid worrying about me when you could not have children ether. I should have known. You spent ten years with two husbands. The only reason there would be no baby with you loving kids the way do was you could not have one. I know you don't want to talk about it but I just want to let you know I think you would be a terrific mother. You have been to me. So that makes you a mother in my eyes. I love you as much as my own mother. Could you think of me as your daughter?"

"Oh Sissy you really have grown up to be a beautiful lady. You're making me cry, I have long thought of you as my daughter. But you saying this makes me feel so good. You have just given me something my money could never buy me. Yes ill be your mother now and thank you so much."

We talked for hours that day I don't remember all but I do remember feeling better about being regulated to being a wife. I knew in the valley wives were not allowed to make contracts. Jobs were dependent on our status as to when we were to have a baby. If you got pregnant then you were let go. If you told them you didn't plan to have children you had to have a note from your husband giving permission. Tom signed one for Nancy to continue to be a midwife though for the doctor that was a pure formality. Frank would have to sign one for me. So many things depended on what my husband allowed me to do. I was told this was because he picked up all my debts and obligations it was he who would have to pay not me once I my husband came home. Of course I could never alter my body without his written consent so abortions were out for all women here. In a nutshell women here were treated more like an infantile child by the legal system. It has changed a great deal since I married so my daughters have more rights under the law than I did when I was their age. But attitudes don't change much around here.

Mary and I began to prepare for my wedding. I had been through this twice before since I became a female. But this was so different. This time I was the bride. I had to decide first on a wedding dress. there were so many. Of course I had help from my two adopted sisters and Diane. Aunt Pat was there but she just paid the bills. I was her daughter for all practical purposes. All the store owners accepted her as my mother and I didn't correct them. Aunt Pat was having too good of a time. She had so often dreamed of being the mother of the bride at her daughters wedding but never thought it would never happen but her dream was coming true. It was something I could do for making her life a hell.

For me even the word bride brought warm sunshine into my heart. Ever since I could remember I wanted to wear a bridal gown. Now I could try on as many as I wanted so I tried on dozens of dresses. It was so much fun but I did find one hideous thing about wedding dresses. Different designers used different sizing charts. I normally take a size 12 though some 12's fit me a bit snug in the bust. But the bridal gowns were nuts some that fit me were a size 14 others a 10 still others an 8. This of course was to make the bride nuts. I almost have proof. The only rhyme seem to be the more expensive the dress the smaller the size for the same size figure. Then because I chose an off the shoulder gown I had to find a strapless bra. Not easy thing to do when you're a 36c. The one thing that marred the process a bit was my dress fitting. The seamstress kept telling me to stand straight. But I was doing that. Then she found the problem. Your right shoulder is nearly 1 inch lower than your left! She told us, she never had this problem before. I looked at Aunt Pat for help and Aunt Pat told her that I was hit by a car when I was young. I could never tell her that my father took me out to the wood shed one day and beat me with a wood log until I was unconscious. That it took the doctors three hours just to piece the collar bone and my shoulder back together and wire it in place. That my face was so mangled it took hours of plastic surgery to give me a face again. I knew she looked at my scared back also. Clear indications of terrible child abuse. She, I am sure then didn't believe Aunt Pat. I know she felt sorry for me from then on. But she should not have. what I was today was in part the product of the actions that caused those scars. I would not wish my childhood on any one. It was cruel painful and lonely. But it was that childhood that brought me here. To the happiest moment of my life. The preparations for my wedding were a delightful madness that was good for me to help forget those terrible days.

Soon I found myself at the station waiting for Franks train. Half the people there I think were waiting for him. When he stepped off the train my heart broke he looked so different. Bandages warped around his head and over one eye. his left arm was in a sling. He looked older and walked with a limp. As he walked away from the train the crowed melted away from between us and waited. He came up to me and kissed me. It felt so good I began to cry I don't know why, I was so happy.

"Oh Frank they didn't tell me you were hurt!"

"I asked them not to Sissy I knew you would worry. You can't help your self sweetheart."

"The worst of it is I have lost an eye but the rest of me will heal. Ill wear a Patch over it till I can get my new one. Like a pirate."

"Like a pirate huh! Well why not dear, you have already stolen my heart."

I suddenly realized we were standing in a crowd waiting till we were done so they could say hello. We separated with red cheeks. If I had any doubts about the wedding they seemed to drift away. He was such a good counter part to me. It was like having a counter weight to a balance. I really did love him but the most wonderful thing was he really loved me. Frank was a man though, not like David, he wanted more than my heart. I had gone through a lot of pain so a man could have my body for pleasure. I knew we could both have pleasure from this altered body of mine. It was like sky diving, it was stepping out of the plane into nothing that's the scariest part.

I could not believe how fast my wedding came together in comparison to Mary's or Nancy's but then it was put off for more than a year but not forgotten. Arrangements were made things picked out just waiting to be reactivated. I have never been to a bachelor party and am not likely to be. But I have a feeling that it is just like a wedding shower except more boisterous. The girls who up to this point I thought were respectable ladies showed me a different side of them selves. I received the usual gifts a bride would need but I never knew I needed a set of eatable underwear. There was an outrageous negligee with a split crotch and an almost nothing bra that did not cover my nipples. Did I really promise I would wear that on my wedding night. We all got a bit tipsy and then we got really crazy (Remember I am from Apple Valley a long way from Atlanta. So definitions of crazy are all in degrees) Aunt Pat started it off by telling us her first wedding night in graphic detail.

It turns out when she had her first night of sex her new husband missed her pussy and they had a mess in bed. Since then she always guided a man's penis into her. Each of my girl friends told me of their wedding night. Each of which were more "X" rated and possibly influenced by the amount of wine we drank. But as a lady decency forbids me to tell any descriptions of their stories. When Diane told us of her wedding night it hit me I was the only one who didn't have a man to sleep with till now. Of course I wanted to be just like them. The married ladies sitting on the front porch painting their nails producing babies. But I would not have babies in this marriage.

When the wedding day came I was so nervous. Starting from this day I would be living with a man. Having sex with him I was in a word terrified. I could not live like my mother. I had already resolved giving up direct control of my life. I say direct control because I knew how to be manipulative. It was the way women had to be. Direct control meant her husband was hen pecked. Would I feel the same if I were a man getting married? Yes but for different reasons, then the responsibility of providing for a family who depended on me would make me very nervous. Fortunately a wedding was a series of rituals from the wishing bowl to the reception. From the first time I put on a dress and swished around in soft nylon and satin. I had dreamed of a day when I would walk down an isle in a white wedding gown. A long train behind and a head piece covering my face. Here I was, in front of a whole town of people, a bride. What a head trip. I loved how the dress moved on me. Frank looked at me coming down the isle and he looked so calm and in charge. Thank goodness I thought if he was nervous then I would have fainted. (He later swears that he was so nervous he could barely talk). We said our vows again and he put on my finger his ring, I had given up Marie's ring of course. Then he lifted up my veil and kissed me. It was oh so special. Nothing in my whole experience could equal that. I thought here I am kissing a man in front of everyone.

The reception was fun for us. I tossed the bouquet to a girl who Nancy and Mary decided must be the next to be married. Then of course was my garter to the guys. The cutting of the cake. It was a three tear cake with gobs of icing. But I really didn't notice the taste. I danced with so many men. Joey was there and I made sure he got in a second dance. I really liked this sweet big guy. He reminded me of "Catcher in the rye."

  

  

  

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